


Trouble Is I Can't Find A Way (You're Part of Me)

by sunsetmagnolia



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Celebrity, Angst with a Happy Ending, Ashton is also a dad, Ashton is still a drummer just not in a band, Calum is Luke's manager, Famous Luke Hemmings, Fluff and Humor, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, M/M, Michael is a studio engineer, Slow Burn, content warning for romanticization of manhattan I guess, did i mention..., lovers to strangers to lovers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-12
Updated: 2020-10-21
Packaged: 2021-03-05 23:34:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 24,974
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25853683
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sunsetmagnolia/pseuds/sunsetmagnolia
Summary: Ashton didn’t know what to make of the thought that Luke was here. In his city. After all the effort he’d put into making sure they were a whole country away from each other for so many years.
Relationships: Luke Hemmings/Ashton Irwin, Michael Clifford & Ashton Irwin, Michael Clifford/Calum Hood
Comments: 29
Kudos: 76





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Special thanks to [Maggie](https://calumsclifford.tumblr.com/) for being my cheerleader, I would have given up writing somewhere along this angst-ridden plot without her!! If any of you want to yell about the Mashton content herein, Maggie's the one to go to.

Luke had been walking up and down random Manhattan streets for hours. Calum had told him to stay at the hotel, but he felt cooped up there, like he was a kid sent to his room. And Calum wasn’t the boss of him anyway. Luke didn’t really have friends in the city, though he could certainly find people in his contacts who might humor him. He hadn’t started the night with the intention to explore – if he could call it that – but one glass of wine with dinner turned into two, turned into walking into a bar and letting some poor woman flirt with him until he was another two and a half drinks in, and that’s about where he lost count. He was tired of thinking of himself as someone he used to be, instead of someone he currently was. He was kind of tired of thinking at all.

Luke turned a corner and almost walked into two young girls, who stepped back, wide-eyed. “Sorry,” he managed. He was about to keep walking when one of them said his name like she couldn’t believe it.

“How do you know who I am?” Luke asked, blinking away the way the empty space behind the girls in front of him seemed to be moving.

“I’ve been listening to your music pretty much since I was born,” the one on the right said, with far too much energy for this hour of night. “My parents played it all the time. You would think I’d be sick of their taste in music but I guess that’s the one parent cliché they don’t live up to.”

“That’s… great?” Luke finished, unsure of what to say next. It had been years since fans this young had approached him, especially out on the street in the middle of the night in a busy city.

“Do you need a ride somewhere? Back to your hotel or whatever?” the same girl asked. The other one tugged on her arm, looking scared. Luke didn’t blame her.

“Sure?” he found himself saying, despite knowing that was a bad idea. The last thing he needed was someone seeing him following two underage girls into a car. Not like he’d been with a girl at all since he was basically their age, but tabloids didn’t need a reason to hate him more.

“Your dad is gonna kill you,” he heard the other girl say, not even bothering to whisper as he followed behind them to a taxi stand.

“What hotel are you staying at?” the first girl asked him. She was staring up at him with bright eyes that felt incredibly familiar, but he might blame that on the out-of-body feeling of walking the streets of Manhattan half-drunk. Luke gave the name of the hotel to the cab driver who waved at them to get in.

“Soho?” the second girl hissed. “Isn’t that the opposite direction?”

“We’re doing a favor,” the first girl said, sliding in after Luke onto the middle seat.

“An _expensive_ favor.”

“My dad’s gonna take care of it.”

“Not if he kills you first.” The second girl crossed her arms across her chest and leaned back as the car started moving.

“You ran into Luke?” Ashton asked. He didn’t know what else to say. He didn’t know what part of parenting this was, but he was not prepared for it. Was he supposed to be upset that she was talking to strangers? No, that wasn’t the case here, all she did was approach a celebrity. Well, if he could still be called that.

“Yeah,” she answered, voice suddenly smaller, like she could sense him considering being angry at her. “He was… blinking a lot.”

 _Probably drunk_ , Ashton thought to himself. He sighed. “And?”

“And she made our cab driver drop him off at his hotel, which is why we were late,” Kennedy’s friend Astrid said, glaring at her.

“You got in a car with him?” Now this, he knew how to deal with.

“Dad, it’s not that big a deal—”

“You got in a car with a stranger.”

“He’s not a stranger, we know his music, we love his music!”

“We—you don’t know him as a person! What if he tried to kill you?” It sounded ridiculous in his head before he even said it, but Astrid seemed to somewhat agree with him if her expression was anything to go by. Never mind the almost-slip that Luke wasn’t exactly a stranger.

“He wouldn’t have killed us, god you’re so dramatic, maybe stop hanging out with Michael so much.”

“I’m dramatic? Says the girl who said she would die of embarrassment if I picked her up after the show.”

Kennedy crinkled her nose like she did when she was annoyed at him. “Well we got back safe, didn’t we?”

“You took a chance.”

“I made an educated decision.”

“But still irresponsible.”

Her voice got small once again, probably fully aware of what she was doing. “You won’t tell mom, will you?”

Her pouty face said she knew the answer before he gave it. “And have her get onto me for letting you go and come back by yourself instead of picking you up like we agreed?” Of course her face broke into a smile. “You didn’t get away with that much,” he rolled his eyes, accepting her hug. “I am glad you got home safe. Go eat and then go to sleep, both of you.”

Ashton went to his bedroom, leaving the girls whispering and giggling as they dug into the pizza he’d ordered for them. He didn’t know what to make of the thought that Luke was _here_. In his city. After all the effort he’d put into making sure they were a whole country away from each other for so many years. The girls had mentioned he was staying at a hotel, at least that meant he wasn’t moving here.

He pulled out his phone and shot Michael a text in all caps before falling onto his bed in a pile of nerves.

A: LUKE IS HERE

The response was a lot faster than he expected.

M: THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN HERE????

Instead of typing out the whole saga, he called Michael. “Here as in the city, not here in my house,” Ashton said instead of saying hello.

“Jesus, you know how to give a guy a heart attack,” Michael replied. “Almost 2 in the morning and you say ‘Luke is here’ like he showed up at your door.”

“I don’t think I would have lived to tell the story,” Ashton laughed nervously. “Did you know he was here?”

“No. How did you find out?”

“Kenny dropped him off at his hotel after the show. She didn’t say what he was doing here, I guess she didn’t ask. Spent my money on a cab in the opposite direction and I didn’t say anything because I’m a sucker.”

Michael laughed, bright and sharp, effectively bringing Ashton back to earth. “That girl knows she has you wrapped around her finger.”

“And you bought her what for her tenth birthday?” Ashton asked. He could almost hear Michael pretending to be offended.

“Every girl needs a life-size stuffed pony. But come on, that’s not why you called.” He paused while Ashton collected his words and then interrupted him. “Don’t you dare say you think he’s here because of you.”

“I wouldn’t have said that.”

“But you were thinking it.”

“You’re a mind-reader now?”

“Stop changing the subject. Luke is probably gonna stay and leave without ever knowing you’re in the same city. There are a million people here. You’re practically invisible.”

Part of Ashton wanted to ask, _what if he doesn’t want to be invisible anymore?_ “You’re right.”

“As always. Now what else did she say about him?”

“Not much, but the way she was describing him sounded like he was drunk.”

“Oh Ash, you’ve seen as many news stories about him as I have. You can only give him the benefit of the doubt for so long.”

“I just feel bad.”

“No amount of protectiveness ten years ago would have helped.”

“I’m not blaming myself, I just—”

“Yes you are, I know you. You left for a perfectly valid reason, a reason who’s probably dropping crumbs on your pullout couch right now.”

Luke woke up to a hangover and a text from his manager to call him back asap. Calum could probably wait til he got up and found some advil, but he called him anyway and put him on speaker while he dug around for the medicine.

“Luke Hemmings, if I have to read one more article about you almost getting arrested in the middle of the night I’m quitting.” Calum’s voice was both comforting and making his headache worse.

“I never got arrested in the middle of the night?” he said, finding the pill bottle in a tiny pocket on the side of his suitcase that he didn’t know was there.

“Well, some paparazzi very easily made it look like you did and now that headline is making the rounds.”

“That’s not my fault,” he whined. He pulled a bottle of water out of the fridge.

Calum sighed, long and tired. “I’m flying in tomorrow, try to behave until then. I’m tired of being a babysitter for a grown ass man.”

“I don’t need a babysitter.”

“Do you need a manager? Because you’re very close to having neither.”

“Aren’t there supposed to be people who take care of my image, or whatever? What are they doing?”

“Playing damage-control,” Calum responded flatly. “Same as they have been for the last few years. Now you’re not going to leave your hotel all day to avoid any more press, and tomorrow we’re gonna figure out where you can go to start recording your new songs at the last minute, because if this plan flops, you’re on your own.”

“You’re quitting,” Luke repeated. He knew the spiel. Calum had been by his side this long, there was no way he would leave him now.

“No, the label is talking about dropping you.”

“They’re what?”

“You’re high risk at this point. They’re considering buying you out of the rest of your contract.”

“And you didn’t tell me?”

“I just learned a couple days ago, and honestly I wasn’t sure if it would make you work harder or just feel worse, but I’m taking a chance on you. Don’t fuck it up.”

Calum hung up. Luke was left speechless.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Michael!” she almost screamed, jumping past him to give Michael a hug. “Did you know he’s met Luke Hemmings?”  
> “Has he?” Michael asked casually, giving Ashton the most amused look.  
> He tried to telepathically convey that it was not funny, but Michael either didn’t get it or decided to ignore him.

“Hey dad?” Kennedy said, blinking up at him over a bowl of cereal. “What if I just lived here with you?”

Ashton took a sip of his coffee. “Keep dreaming, kid.”

“I’m serious, this way I wouldn’t have to make so many trips up to see you, or to go to cool concerts, and I’ve heard great things about the schools here.”

“You realize this is a one bedroom apartment? Not to mention your mom would never let you. And you tell me one thing you know about the schools here.”

“We could move into a bigger place?” she said, pouty face back on.

“What’s wrong with living with your mom?”

“Nothing, it’s just boring. When’s the last time she took me to work with her?”

“You want to go with her to sell houses?” He tried to keep a straight face as she rolled her eyes at him.

“No! I want to go to a studio with you! Maybe go backstage to a show you’re playing?”

“And who’s going to take care of you while I’m off playing shows?”

“I’m practically an adult, I can stay here by myself for a few weeks at a time.”

“You are not practically an adult, you aren’t even sixteen yet.” He held up one finger as she tried to protest. “No, you can’t live with me. End of discussion.” He turned to go back to the living room. Astrid started questioning her about whether they were really friends and why would she want to leave her behind when they just met. Teenage drama. He wondered distantly if he had any studio weekends coming up, if Kennedy wanted to go to one so badly. She had certainly picked up his love of music, if not playing any instruments herself.

As for touring, it was there and gone in a flash, a camera going off in his memory: a scene of his baby daughter in his arms, grinning up at Luke with her teeny front teeth, him making her laugh by pretending to sneeze and in turn making them both laugh right along with her. It was picture perfect, and it tugged at his heart to know that they weren’t supposed to fit together like that. Not only was he with someone else, it just didn’t make sense long-term. He wasn’t planning on touring forever – honestly that tour with Luke was supposed to be his last tour for a while, but Luke had convinced him to stay on for another cycle – and as much as he enjoyed having Luke around, loved seeing him interact with Kennedy so easily, it wasn’t feasible. There were so many ways this could go bad, not least of all the idea of taking a baby on tour for more than just a weekend, and without her mother, no this was an idea better left in his head. And there it stayed, until now apparently, thirteen years later, when his daughter had dreams of her own.

He was broken out of his reverie with a text from Michael: Ask Kenny what else she knows about Luke being here, you made me curious

Not a bad idea. “What do you girls have planned for the day?” he called back to the kitchen. “Your train back home is at 6, right?”

“Yeah,” Kennedy said. “We were gonna walk up and down Fifth Avenue and pretend to be rich.”

He couldn’t tell if she was joking or not. “Not gonna go hunting for Luke?”

“No?” she said, almost wistfully. “I’ve had my rock star encounter for this trip.”

“Did you meet the band after your show?”

“No, someone posted a video of them running out into a car right after they left the stage so we didn’t bother hanging around. I was talking about Luke.”

“No, I got that. Did you ask him what he was doing here?” She gave him a weird look. “He does live in LA, after all.”

She shrugged. “Visiting, I guess. I could figure it out if you want?” He shook his head but she already had her phone out, typing away. Less than two minutes later, she was standing in front of him, holding out her phone. “He’s recording music. You know, you could probably meet him too?”

Ashton felt his eyes widen against his will. Kennedy definitely noticed. “That’s a nice thought, but I don’t think it’s—”

“Are you scared of him or something?” she asked, looking more and more curious.

Once again, he didn’t know how to respond. He was saved by the door buzzer going off. He avoided her eyes as he went to answer the door, flooded with relief at the sound of Michael’s voice, not knowing he was considering the possibility of Luke actually showing up at his door like Michael had asked last night.

“Why are you avoiding the subject?” Kennedy asked him, stepping in front of him when he turned around.

“I’m not avoiding the subject,” he said slowly, measuredly. “And I’m not _scared of him_. We’ve just already met.”

“You’ve _met?_ ” she shrieked. She exchanged surprised looks with Astrid. He didn’t know why her friend was surprised, it’s not like she knew anything about him. Michael pushed the door open behind him. “Michael!” she almost screamed, jumping past him to give Michael a hug. “Did you know he’s met Luke Hemmings?”

“Has he?” Michael asked casually, giving Ashton the most amused look.

He tried to telepathically convey that it was not funny, but Michael either didn’t get it or decided to ignore him.

“Yes! And he won’t tell me anything else!” Kennedy said.

“There’s not much else to tell,” Ashton lied.

Kennedy stared at him like she was trying to read his mind – he sincerely hoped she couldn’t – and then looked up at Michael. “You know something.”

“Should I tell her?” Michael asked, grinning. Ashton wanted to push him right back out the door.

“There’s nothing to tell,” Ashton repeated. He didn’t sound convincing enough.

Kennedy sighed and cuddled back up to Michael’s side. “Tell me what he’s hiding,” she said sweetly. Michael looked at Ashton and raised his eyebrows in a question.

“I was his touring drummer for a bit,” Ashton said finally.

Kennedy looked at him, jaw on the floor, then back up to Michael, who had the courtesy to look a bit sorry for him, and back to him. “And you never told me?”

“It never came up,” he said.

“Never- it never? Came up?” she spluttered. Dropping her arms from around Michael, she marched over to the dining table and dropped into the chair across from Astrid, once again exchanging looks of pure disbelief.

“Is she mad at me?” Ashton whispered to Michael.

“I’m processing!” she replied, not turning around.

Michael gestured to the balcony, and Ashton followed him out, closing the glass door behind them. “Hope I didn’t overstep,” Michael said. Ashton must have looked more terrified than he thought, for Michael to be apologizing so quickly. “But she’s smart, she would have figured it out sooner or later.”

“With how much she’s on the internet, I’m surprised she didn’t figure it out earlier,” he admitted.

Michael nodded. “So, what did she say she knows about what he’s doing here?”

“He’s here recording music. That’s all she said.”

“Alone?”

“Well, he was out alone last night, but he probably has people he’s recording with.”

“And if he doesn’t?” Michael had a scheming look on his face.

“Then he’s very disorganized, since he’s already out here and studios usually book up in advance.” Ashton pointedly ignored what Michael was implying.

“So you wouldn’t be… upset? If I shot his management an email saying my studio is open for the next two weeks?”

“I thought you were booked, what happened?”

“The band had to back out, singer got sick.”

“Aw, that sucks.”

“Stay on topic. Would you be okay with it if I offered?”

“It’s your studio.”

“I’m not going to offer if you’re gonna hate me for it,” Michael said seriously.

“I won’t hate you.”

“Promise?”

“What are we, six? Yes I promise. I’ll deal with my feelings like an adult.”

“I don’t want you to be uncomfortable, that’s all.”

“So you’re not going to call me in saying it’s an emergency because he also didn’t book a session band?”

“Please?”

Ashton was pacing back and forth down the hall in his apartment, probably annoying his downstairs neighbors. “You can’t find anyone else?”

“No one who loves me enough to come in at the last minute. Hey, on the bright side, you were right, he is disorganized.”

“Yeah, love being right about things that complicate my life,” he mumbled.

“Please, Ash?”

“What if I say no?”

“Then I get to ask him about you when you’re not here instead of when you are.”

“You wouldn’t fucking dare.”

“Alright fine, I wouldn’t do that to you. But you’re the best drummer I know, and you already know his style of music.”

“You think complimenting me is going to get me to come to the studio and face someone I haven’t spoken to in over ten years?”

Which is how Ashton found himself in Michael’s tiny studio office a couple hours later, swiveling back and forth in his chair nervously, trying to talk himself up to whatever that afternoon was going to hold for him. He’d sent a nonchalant text to Kennedy saying he was gonna be in the studio with Luke and Michael, just because if he didn’t tell her she would have heard it from Michael and then been mad that he didn’t tell her himself. She, luckily, had no idea how nervous he was, and had just sent back “rad!! ask him if he remembers me lmao” so that was no help but also no pressure.

“Calm down,” Michael said for the third time. “If I knew you were gonna be this bad I would have tried harder to find someone else.”

“I dropped out in the middle of his tour almost thirteen years ago without any explanation and you didn’t think I’d be this bad?”

Michael walked over and knelt down in front of Ashton, grabbing both his hands so he would stop fidgeting. “Look at me. You’re gonna be fine. No one is going to break shit, and I swear I won’t leave the two of you alone together. If he wants to throw a diva fit about it, you are under no obligation to stay.” Ashton took a deep but shaky breath and Michael stood up, dropping his hands. “And stop clenching your jaw like that, you’re gonna give yourself a headache.”

Ashton relaxed his face as best he could. “He’s almost an hour late.”

Michael scoffed. “Sucks for him, I get paid whether he’s here or not.” He shoved Ashton’s chair out of the way to open an email that popped up noisily on his computer. “He’s not coming.”

Ashton turned around so fast he almost tipped the chair over. “What?”

“No excuse given, but I told his manager earlier that I would find session musicians so he sent over a bunch of demos.” Michael looked at him. “Depending on how quickly you can learn eight songs, you might not have to see him at all.”

“You think I could learn them all today?”

“I wouldn’t let you try, because I don’t want to be here until tomorrow morning recording and I don’t want you here that long either.”

Ashton managed to learn and play through three of the songs before Michael said someone was at the front door and Ashton felt his stomach drop through the floor. Lucky for him it was just someone delivering the food that Michael had ordered without telling him. Ten minutes later, they were wrapped up for the night and tucking into Chinese takeout, all fears of Luke’s appearance pushed to the back of his mind.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The one thing Luke did not expect walking into the studio the next day was Ashton Irwin, everything about him screaming discomfort, from the way his hands were wringing to the completely ashen look on his face, like he was seeing a ghost.

Luke showed up at the studio early to make up for having to cancel the day before. Calum had given him much more sympathy than he deserved yesterday. Luke had done as he was told and stayed in his hotel room, not even venturing out to the pool until Calum arrived in the afternoon. They’d gone over a list of studios Calum had found in the past day, sending emails and making calls to see who could let them record on such short notice, and then were surprised to find one of them had reached out first. That was the one, then. By the next morning, Luke was actually looking forward to going in and recording, trying to ignore the pressure of having to make the label happy or else… That pressure multiplied itself however, when his label’s A&R texted him, insisted on a facetime call, and then told him everything Calum had said over the phone, but much less delicately. It was all he could do for the rest of the day to stay in one piece while Calum very patiently barred him from inhaling half the minibar, not stopping short of calling someone up to please remove the drinks and here’s an extra tip for not asking questions. It had been Calum’s idea to push off recording another day until he was feeling marginally better. Luke couldn’t be more grateful for all of it.

That meant he was up bright and early, blinking up at the sunlight shining on the nondescript building while Calum double-checked the address. The man who opened the door for them – Michael – had given them a grin that made him feel like he knew something. It was like a look his mother might have given him when she knew he was lying to her as a kid. Regardless, he got back into the swing of singing and tweaking and fixing and singing again. Calum was dutifully sitting in a chair beside Michael, keeping a watchful eye and not giving him any comments, though he could see the two of them talking a lot more than what either of them conveyed to him. Stupid soundproof booth made it impossible to eavesdrop. In the middle of a take, Michael said something to Calum that made him break into giggles, not that Luke could hear, but he could very well see. He finished singing, staring at Calum, who was staring at Michael, who was messing with knobs and switches and other sound mixing things that he had given up trying to understand the intricacies of.

“You wanna try that one again?” Michael asked as soon as he was done. “You sounded a little distracted.”

 _He_ sounded distracted? Luke gave Calum a questioning look. Calum was very obviously trying not to smile. “Yeah, sure,” Luke said, set on ignoring whatever was happening there.

They stepped out of the studio after sundown and Calum cheerfully swung an arm around Luke’s shoulders. “Good day?” Calum asked.

Luke smiled at him sideways. “Yeah, you?”

“Why are you looking at me like that?”

“You hit it off with Michael?”

Calum’s cheeks got a bit pink. “Shut up.” Luke laughed. “This is about you, what do you want for dinner? My treat.”

“Don’t I pay you?”

“Fine then, asshole, your treat.”

Ashton got a call from Michael around 9 that most likely meant he was done for the day. “Hey, how did it go?”

“Not a disaster,” Michael said, sounding pretty happy for such a pessimistic statement. “Wanna come hang out? Knock out another song? Hear what we did today?”

“Stop trying to get me to talk to him.”

“Dude, he left.”

“What are you so happy about anyway? Glad to get rid of him?” Ashton couldn’t tell why, but Michael’s voice was even peppier than normal.

“No? He was actually pretty okay. I mean, his voice is good, and like I said, no one broke anything.”

“So why do you sound like that?”

“Like what?” Michael asked, feigning innocence like he was asking Ashton to pry information out of him.

“Fine, don’t tell me. Do you need me the rest of the week or are you gonna send me the rest of the demos so I can run through the drums here?”

“Oh shit, did I not do that yesterday? I’ll send them over.” There were quiet typing noises. “I met Luke’s manager today.”

“Calum?” Ashton asked, mildly surprised at himself for remembering his name, and then immediately resigned to the reality that he could never really forget everyone on that touring team.

“Yeah. He’s nice.”

“Nice? You mention him just to tell me he’s nice?”

“So he’s cute too, fuck off.”

“Cute?” Ashton teased. “You’re like Kenny talking about her latest boyband crushes.”

“Okay I sent the demos, I’m hanging up now.”

Ashton laughed. “Wanna say anything more about how the day went or are you just gonna tell me about your new crush?”

“I will not tolerate this type of treatment! But the day went fine. I don’t know what I was expecting, but Luke was perfectly professional. And no worse a singer than he was on his last album. He said he’s gonna track guitars himself after he does the vocals.”

“He does play guitar live,” Ashton said, trying not to let himself get lost down that train of thought.

“I didn’t get to ask today, but you really might get away with not being in the studio at the same time as him.”

He expected to feel pure relief at the thought, but something in his mind poked at the idea of seeing Luke again.

“You still there?”

“Yeah.”

“If you changed your mind about casually running into him, let me know.”

“I won’t.” _Liar._

“I’ll keep you updated. But you’re free to practice on your own for the rest of the week.”

Michael’s daily rundowns took all of one day to go from music updates to talking about Calum’s reactions to things he said and vice versa. “When did you turn into a teenager?” Ashton asked Saturday night. The next day would be a day off before another week of recording. Ashton had perfected the remaining five songs, and he had two more demos that had been sent to him earlier that day to learn.

“Stop,” Michael whined. “I’m not that bad.”

“You wanna tell me more about the exact shade of Calum’s eyes?”

“No.”

“You’re right, you’re not a teenager. You’re a two year old.” Ashton was trying not to laugh at Michael’s pouting. Maybe Kennedy was right about him picking up some dramatic traits from his best friend.

“Just because you haven’t been in love in ages doesn’t mean you’re allowed to make fun of me.”

“Oh, so now you’re in love?” He didn’t hold back a little laugh.

“Shit, no, I mean, I- am I? No, I’ve only known him a week.” He sounded like he was trying to convince himself of his own logic.

“Why are you looking at me like I’m gonna tell him or something?”

Michael sighed. “Any more thoughts on coming in to record while he’s there? It might do him some good to see you’re still a decent drummer.”

“Why would it be good for him?”

“Maybe it’ll be good for both of you, get some closure, talk things out.”

“Maybe,” Ashton said quietly.

Michael looked surprised. “Really? I didn’t think you’d agree with me.”

“Sometimes you say something accidentally smart.”

“I’m always smart.”

“Have you given Calum your number yet?”

He floundered for a minute. “Shut up.”

Calum getting Michael’s number was the worst thing to happen to him, as far as Luke was concerned. Not that he needed a _babysitter_ as Calum had referred to himself, but it was as if even after they left the studio, they never left the studio. Of course, despite being annoying after only one evening, it was also kind of sweet to see him smiling so much. Luke enjoyed pushing his buttons on a good day, but it was so much easier now that Michael was making him blush half the time anyway. Luke got a good laugh out of it.

“Michael says he has a friend who’s gonna record drums for you.”

“You’re talking about _me_?” Luke asked. “I assumed you two were flirting.”

“We are not flirting,” Calum insisted, as usual.

“Sure.”

“What should I tell him? Do you want to be there for any of the recording? Apparently they already knocked out a couple songs that first day.”

“We only sent over the demos that afternoon, what the hell? How did they already record some of them?”

“Drummer learns fast? I don’t know, do you want to go in or not?”

“We’re here til the end of the week anyway, right? Might as well.”

The one thing Luke did not expect walking into the studio the next day was Ashton Irwin, everything about him screaming discomfort, from the way his hands were wringing to the completely ashen look on his face, like he was seeing a ghost. Luke had stopped in his tracks the moment he saw him, causing Calum to crash into his back and then physically push him out of the way to get into the room. Calum, despite being his closest friend, knew almost nothing about what happened between him and Ashton more than ten years ago. He took a moment longer to place Ashton, but as soon as he did he had no qualms walking over and saying hello like they were long-lost friends, which, in a way, they were.

Luke took in none of what they were saying, and Calum had been vague enough about the drummer situation the night before that Luke believed he had no idea Ashton was going to be there either. If Michael knew— Luke turned to look at Michael, who was standing near Ashton but mostly looking at Calum the way he had been all week. Ashton was the only one who looked as awkward as he felt, though he seemed to be playing it off a bit better, hugging Calum and smiling about something that felt to Luke like it was happening through the recording booth window; he could see it but he couldn’t make out any of the words.

Calum gestured to him and he had never wished to turn invisible more than in that moment. Instead, he took the moment they were all paying more attention to each other than to him, to walk out the door and into the bathroom. He stood in the middle of the room, unable to focus on any one thought racing through his mind. The main word that popped up seemed to be Ashton. What was he doing here? Still drumming? Did he know he was going to be drumming for Luke? Why did he look so scared, like Luke would see him and leave? Well, he had to admit that is what he just did. Luke did his best to breathe. He could remember the last time he’d seen Ashton clear as day, looking upset but refusing to say why, refusing to yell, to be anything less than perfectly balanced and civil. It was infuriating back then, but it had long since dulled into the ache of a long unanswered question, a what-if that he had all but settled with never having a resolution to.

Someone was knocking on the door. Calum. It had to be.

“Luke?” Calum. Luke walked over and unlocked the door, opening it just wide enough for Calum to squeeze in and then locking it again. “What happened?”

“Ashton.”

“What about him?”

“You don’t remember him leaving in the middle of a tour?” Luke asked, waving his arms like he’d lost control of them.

“You’re still holding a grudge about that? He had to leave because of family stuff.” Calum was looking at him like there was more to the story. Obviously there was, but Luke didn’t know where to start.

“Is that what he told you?”

“Why? Did he tell you something different?”

“He didn’t tell me anything,” Luke said. That was mostly the truth. “He just left.”

“So why are you so panicked about it? Actually,” Calum went on before Luke could come up with an answer. “He did seem kind of anxious himself, I assumed it was because he hadn’t drummed in a while but if he learned three songs in one day he can’t be too out of practice.” Calum looked at him, narrowing his eyes a little. “Did something happen between you two?”

Luke could answer that in a very vague way, but that wouldn’t help him. He also wasn’t anywhere near ready to face Calum’s judgment on what actually happened. “Define ‘something’,” he said slowly.

“You know what? I don’t need to know the details.” Calum looked away, thinking. Luke let out a relieved breath. “You need a drummer.” He turn back around. “Am I coming up with a bad excuse for you to leave that makes both you and Ashton feel worse about yourselves, or can you deal with it for one day? You can stay back the rest of the week if you want.”

Luke walked out the door and Ashton felt zero percent better. Michael was right, they had to talk, and if Calum was here making small talk with him, clearly he didn’t know what had happened between him and Luke before he left. Why would Luke keep it a secret? Was he that ashamed of them? Maybe that wasn’t the reason Luke didn’t tell, though he couldn’t imagine another reason why. After all, Ashton had told his ex as soon as he got home, and obviously he had told Michael. No one else needed to know, but that felt like two more people on his side who knew than Luke had. Despite his frayed nerves, he wanted to follow Luke out and make sure he was okay. Calum beat him to it though, turning and following him only a few seconds after they heard the door close.

Ashton felt unforgivably like he might cry, and it must have been obvious because Michael didn’t say anything, just wrapped him up in a hug. “Do you want to sneak out while they’re gone? I’ll cover for you.”

“You’re not going to find another drummer by the time they get back, and no offense but you’re a shit drummer.”

“I’m trying to comfort you and you insult me,” Michael said, with no fire behind his words. Ashton focused all his effort on not letting himself tear up, just in case Luke walked back in and saw him breaking down. In the back of his mind he suspected Luke and Calum were in a similar position out in the hall.

“No, I’m okay.” Ashton pulled back, rubbing his hands across his cheeks just in case. “And you were right, we should talk.”

“Without either of you running out of the room?” Michael asked. In any other context it would have sounded like he was teasing, and the sincerity of it didn’t help Ashton feel any less fragile.

“Maybe we won’t talk. Maybe I’ll just lay down the drums and then I can sneak out.” Michael gave him a small but encouraging smile. “If I start before they come back in, I’ll have a reason not to talk.” Ashton made his way to the recording booth as fast as he could.

“And you’ll look hot doing it.” He glanced back and Michael was giving him a thumbs up and a cheesy grin that succeeded in making him halfway smile.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "It just got a little overwhelming being away from my family. Two tours in a row was already more than I signed up for. And then after that weekend where I got to bring my daughter along with me, I just started to miss them too much.” The solid truth. Well, mostly solid.

When Luke walked back into the room, Calum’s reassuring hand pressed to his back, Ashton was already in the booth playing through one of the songs. He was either focused intensely on the song or on not looking at Luke. Either way, it gave Luke a minute to stare. It wasn’t like Ashton looked much different, but there was something about him that was tougher, more hidden. He wasn’t having as much fun as he used to look like he did on stage, and sure the energy was different in a studio, but there was a layer of _something_ between him and the music.

“Sounds good,” Calum said beside him.

Michael looked kind of proud, and then glanced at Luke. “You okay?”

How was he supposed to answer that? Luke made a face. Michael nodded like he understood whatever Luke didn’t say. He sank down in a chair and found himself with nothing to do but think. Calum kept throwing him concerned looks, but he couldn’t talk it out until he knew what he wanted to say. The biggest problem was, in his mind, that he couldn’t remember a point where it started to go wrong. He couldn’t figure it out back then, and he definitely couldn’t remember now. It was as if one day things were bright and perfect and then the next, the sun itself had gone out.

Ashton had started to fit into Luke’s life even more perfectly than before. They were already close – touring with someone will do that – but suddenly they were inseparable, glued together by some invisible force that threatened to tear Luke’s heart out if they were apart for more than a few hours at a time while they were awake. They hadn’t so much as kissed, and it made sense given the fact they were never really alone together, but that didn’t stop them from melting into each other every time they were in the same space. Luke already knew he stared at Ashton on stage a little too much, some symptom of a childish crush, but if seeing him smile at him in private made him weak, it was only made worse by the stage lights and sounds, a private moment in front of thousands of eyes who wouldn’t know why it was special.

Luke looked up at the start of the next song, partly relieved and partly annoyed that Ashton was still fully focused on playing and not on him. The way the sound board was set up meant he could just see the top half of Ashton’s face behind the desk and the drums, hair sticking to his forehead where he was already sweating. He hated the thought as soon as it appeared, but he _missed_ Ashton. Missed sharing secret smiles from across the room, missed being able to walk over and slot himself into place, an arm around Ashton’s waist like it was the most effortless thing in the world. Calum reached over and poked his leg.

He turned around, shaken. “What?”

“What do you mean, what? You look like you’re dying.”

“I’m fine,” he said quietly, hoping Michael’s headphones were good enough that he couldn’t hear them.

“You know you can tell me what happened?”

“You said you didn’t want to know the details.”

“I said I didn’t need to know. But if you want to tell me…” Calum trailed off, looking worriedly at Luke.

Luke shuffled through the facts he knew and figured if they made no sense to him, they would make even less sense to Calum. He frowned a little. “Can you do something for me?”

They got through tracking drums for five songs, which left two for the next day. Ashton had no idea if Luke would be there again, and by some miracle, Luke and Calum had ducked out while he was resetting the drum kit for tomorrow. Michael had to cut the lights to stop him from getting the last two songs over with right then and there.

“You sounded great,” Michael told him when he joined him in staring at the door.

“Thanks.”

“It wasn’t a disaster.”

Ashton had no response.

“How are you feeling?”

“Like an idiot.”

Michael turned to him. He looked forward. “Wanna talk about it?” Ashton shrugged. “One more day.”

“Do you think I should have said something?” Ashton asked.

“I don’t know that it would have helped.”

“Did he- did he say anything about me while I was recording?” Even asking made him feel childish.

“Calum said you sounded good.” That was a non-answer, but it worked just as well. “He didn’t say anything to me, but he was whispering with Calum behind me. I would have tried harder to listen in but I was kinda busy.”

“You didn’t hear anything?”

Michael shook his head. “Sorry.”

Ashton sighed, unable to decipher his own feelings. “One more day.”

He was halfway home when he got a text from Calum asking if they could meet up. “Without Luke,” the message had said. He hopped off the subway at the next stop to text Michael and ask him if it was a terrible idea, but instead of talking him out of it, Michael invited himself along. If they were about to double-team him into some sort of confessional, he didn’t know if he would rather just never talk to Michael again. But of course Michael made it sound like he would be there to support Ashton and not just because he was jealous of Calum spending time with someone else without him. Against all better judgment, he agreed, and then had to cross over to the other side of the platform to go back in the opposite direction.

He walked into the little hole-in-the-wall pizza place where Calum had asked to meet, but as soon as he saw the kitschy picture frames on one of the walls with fake-signed celebrity headshots, he knew it was Michael’s choice. He still couldn’t tell if it had been Michael’s idea. He took a seat in a tall chair at a table up against the wall, gesturing to the guy behind the counter that he was waiting for a friend when he got a look for sitting down without buying something. Calum came in less than a minute later. Michael was still nowhere to be seen.

Calum only paused at the table to say hi before saying he was actually starving and couldn’t wait to order. There was no line, so Ashton only had time to send Michael a slightly frantic “where are you???” text before Calum got back, setting a little number card on the table before taking the chair across from him.

Calum seemed set on not letting it get awkwardly quiet. “How have you been? It’s been, what, ten years?”

“Almost thirteen,” Ashton said.

“And?”

“I’ve been pretty good, nothing exciting. Until now I guess.”

“And your wife and daughter?”

“We’re separated but she’s great. My daughter is wonderful.”

“What was her name again?”

“Kennedy.” He couldn’t help but smile a little at the sequence of events she had tipped off by bumping into Luke. It was ridiculous, the way she punctuated his life like that. “She’s fifteen and thinks she’s all grown up but she’s the light of my life.”

Calum smiled and Ashton started to get an idea of how Michael had gotten attached to him so fast. “It’s nice to see you’re still playing. You were one of the best drummers we ever had.”

“I don’t think I could stop if I tried.”

“So you’ve been Michael’s session drummer since then?”

“No, I’m not even officially that, he just ropes me into it whenever I’m not touring.”

“You’re still touring?” This was the first question of the lot that felt slightly more probing. What exactly had he told Calum was his reason for leaving the tour? He wasn’t about to go into any more detail now.

“Stopped for a while, but after the divorce I figured I could get back into it.” He tried to read Calum’s expression, but he just looked thoughtful. “You never quit and found a better job?”

Calum’s lips quirked up on one side. “Not for lack of trying. Gotta be honest, that’s kind of why I’m here.”

“To quit your job?”

“No,” he said, a little too seriously. “Luke wanted me to ask you something.”

Ashton’s throat felt dry all of a sudden. He regretted not buying a drink earlier. “What?”

“Did you know he would be there today?”

Ashton could hear the record scratch in his mind. _That_ was the question? Far from the horror show of an inquisition he’d been expecting. “What?” he repeated in disbelief.

“That’s not his question, that’s just something I’ve been wondering since this morning.”

Oh. “Oh. Yeah, I knew.”

“And you were okay with it.” Not a question.

“Less okay than I thought I would be.” Also more honest than he thought he would be, but Calum was not hard to be honest with. He had the type of calm, unassuming energy that could make people tell him all their secrets.

Calum’s face softened into something more sympathetic. Michael picked that moment to join them, giving Ashton a loose, one-armed hug before sitting down in the last empty chair. Ashton watched as he smiled almost shyly at Calum, and then propped his elbows up on the table. “Sorry I’m late. Have we ordered?”

“Yeah,” Calum said. “Got a large one.”

Michael did a bad job of biting back a cheeky grin. Ashton tried to will him not to say it, but when had Michael ever held back? “Title of your sex tape,” he burst out, giggling.

Ashton couldn’t help but smile, especially at Calum’s delighted confusion. “Back to being a teenager then?” Michael kicked him under the table.

The guy at the counter called out their number and Calum only had to give Michael one eye-fluttery look for him to get up to bring the pizza over without complaining.

“What’s this secret meeting about?” Michael asked.

“You don’t know?” Ashton looked between him and Calum, but Michael looked properly clueless.

“Why would I know?”

“I assumed it was your idea. Look at this place.”

“The location was my idea, the secret meeting was not.”

“It’s not a secret, I’m sure he knows about it.”

“Um,” Calum interrupted. “Luke does know, but I’m not here as his messenger or anything, he can speak for himself whenever he decides to be an adult.”

“How is he?” Ashton asked, surprising himself.

Calum took a sip of his drink before answering. “That’s actually what I came to ask you. Luke was off having a crisis in the bathroom this morning and I get the feeling you weren’t doing much better. How are you feeling, really?”

Ashton looked to Michael, who looked apologetic about the whole thing. “It wasn’t a reunion I was looking forward to, if that says anything.”

“Luke won’t tell me what happened between the two of you. I didn’t know until today that _anything_ had happened between you, so far be it from me to pry. I’m just trying to understand.”

A conversation from the distant past rang in his ears. _“I don’t see why that has to change anything.”_ “I don’t really remember,” he lied. _“I can’t do that though, I don’t have the luxury of not caring about anyone other than myself.”_ “We got kinda close, I guess.” _“Why did you even bother with me if you think I’m that selfish?”_ “And then it just stopped.” Michael reached over and put his hand on Ashton’s arm.

“And it was bad enough that you decided to leave?” Calum asked him.

“No, it just got a little overwhelming being away from my family. Two tours in a row was already more than I signed up for. And then after that weekend where I got to bring my daughter along with me, I just started to miss them too much.” The solid truth. Well, mostly solid. Even back then, Kennedy was the catalyst to anything big in his life. If she’d been more fussy, if she’d hated Luke, it might have turned out a bit different.

“Yeah, we were already looking for another drummer for that second tour when you said you were on board. I was kinda surprised.” Calum still looked like he was trying to put the pieces together.

“Luke was convincing.” What an understatement. Ashton hadn’t needed convincing. He was halfway across the country from his _wife_ and having some sort of emotional affair with the most enchanting man he’d ever met. In the moment, it had been a rush. As soon as they were close enough to home for Kennedy to come visit, the guilt caught up to him. One well-timed photo of her mother holding her up on the stool behind his drum kit set up on a stage where he’d play in a couple hours was the nail in the coffin. As soon as they left, he felt himself start to break.

“So why didn’t you tell him? I know how he acts sometimes but he would have understood that.”

 _Because Ashton couldn’t stand to reject him and deny some of the best moments of his life?_ “I guess I didn’t think he would. But I regret it.”

“But you shouldn’t,” Michael said under his breath.

“Don’t help,” Ashton said. This was a circular conversation that only ever ended when one of them changed the subject.

“What do you mean?” Calum asked. It was probably a question to both of them, but he was looking at Michael. Michael, thankfully, just shook his head.

“I’d love to stay here feeling sorry for myself all night but I’d rather go home and feel sorry for myself with some wine.” Ashton stood up.

“You’ve only had one slice.” Calum looked at him, taking in his tired expression. He wiped off his hands and hopped down from the chair to walk over and give Ashton a hug. Ashton looked at Michael over Calum’s shoulder, hesitantly bringing his arms up to hug him back. Michael smiled softly.

“Oh yeah, what was Luke’s question?” Ashton asked.

Calum let him go. “I think you answered it.” He glanced at Michael and then back to Ashton. “I know I said this wasn’t a secret, but I won’t tell Luke if you don’t want me to.”

“I didn’t tell you anything he doesn’t already know. Except, I guess, that I’m sorry I didn’t tell him before I left.”

“I’ll let him know.”

“I’m coming with you,” Michael announced after a beat of silence.

“You don’t have to,” Ashton started, but he was grateful for the company.

“Wine night sounds fun.” Michael hopped down from his chair and linked arms with Ashton like some childlike display of alliance. “I’ll text you later,” he said to Calum, and then Ashton let himself be pulled out the door.

“He really said it was family stuff?” Luke asked incredulously.

Calum looked like he was fairly fed up with Luke. “He sounded pretty upset about it, so either you’re wrong about whatever you think or he’s like the world’s best liar.”

“Maybe he _was_ lying.”

“You talked him into joining the second leg of the tour and he missed his baby too much to deal with your shit for another month. What’s so hard to believe about that?”

What _was_ so hard to believe about it? They had one fight and then Ashton disappeared, and Luke was supposed to believe it was because he missed his family? Not because of whatever stupid thing he said in the heat of the moment? Something about being selfish. Maybe he was.

“Why is this the one thing you’re getting hung up on?” Calum asked, voice a little softer. He came over and sat next to Luke on his hotel bed, where he was leaning up against the headboard over the covers. “He said he was sorry for not telling you.”

“It’s not about that.” Luke could feel tears pricking at his eyes.

“Then what?”

Luke couldn’t put into words the way his stomach twisted at the thought that he just wasn’t enough for Ashton, that he could have tried his hardest and Ashton would have still picked his family over Luke in the end. It made no sense to be upset about something like that, when he thought of saying it out loud, almost anyone would put their family first. But the feeling of inadequacy gnawed at him. He didn’t say anything, just leaned over and put his head on Calum’s shoulder.

Calum reached over and patted his leg in a half-note rhythm, keeping time to a song Luke couldn’t hear. “You’re never going to be able to move on if you can’t even talk about it.”

“I’m just stupid.”

“I’m sure you’re right, but why?”

Luke huffed, offended even though he knew Calum was joking. “I’m ignoring facts. You’re probably right, and he’s probably telling the truth, and I just overestimated what I meant to him.”

Calum’s hand froze. “What did you— no, you’re going to tell me what happened.”

“I don’t _know_ what happened—”

“Not when he left, before that.”

Luke sat up. “We kissed?” Calum tilted his head, thinking but also encouraging him to elaborate. “We were really close, I don’t know, we didn’t give it a name, we were just, we _were_. And then we had a fight, and then he left.” His voice cracked on the last word, and then the tears that escaped were half of embarrassment. Calum reached over and pulled Luke into a hug, squeezing tight. “And now he’s _sorry_.”


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Does the ocean ever scare you?” Ashton asked quietly. Luke looked at him, too mesmerized by the way the moonlight settled on his cheekbones and made his eyes glitter to give him a real answer. “It’s so big, and dark, and goes on forever.”  
> The breeze picked up in a gust that made them both close their eyes against it. “But it’s beautiful.” Luke had a feeling Ashton was talking about more than just the ocean.

Luke didn’t often let himself dip so deeply into his memories, but Calum had long since left him alone in his room and he didn’t have any better way of being self-destructive. After seeing Ashton face to face, being only a few steps away from him all day, and then leaving in a hurry without exchanging a single word, he felt like it was justified. It wasn’t hard to fall back into the feeling, high on adrenaline after playing a show.

The show had been such a rush that night that Luke was on some other level of existence. Any leftover awkwardness between him and Ashton had melted away as soon as they got on stage, cemented by Ashton smiling at him almost every time they met each other’s eyes. Ashton was halfway to the greenroom, already pulling off his sweat-drenched shirt. Luke bounded up to him and tugged on his arm. “Wanna get out of here?”

He procured a key to a car that probably belonged to a venue staff member, so they had to return the car before it got too late. Bus call was that same night anyway, they but could only go so far. “Are you sure you know how to drive?” Ashton had asked him. Luke had just laughed and away they went. He had a vague idea of where they were going. They were in a coastal city, there had to be a beach close by. They found their way to the ocean, far too high above the water to be on the beach, and far too late for either of them to suggest climbing down the cliff to get to the sand. Instead, they clambered out onto the large rocks that were just begging to be used as a lookout. Ashton grinned as Luke stood on the highest rock and let the salty breeze wrap around him before sitting down. Their hands found each other easily in the darkness. The single lamppost from the parking lot was far enough behind them that they were mostly just lit up by the moon.

“Does the ocean ever scare you?” Ashton asked quietly. Luke looked at him, too mesmerized by the way the moonlight settled on his cheekbones and made his eyes glitter to give him a real answer. “It’s so big, and dark, and goes on forever.”

The breeze picked up in a gust that made them both close their eyes against it. “But it’s beautiful.” Luke had a feeling Ashton was talking about more than just the ocean.

“Whole ships disappear into it and no one knows where they go.”

“That is kinda scary.” He watched Ashton as Ashton watched the waves lick at the sand below them. “Maybe the ships want to disappear though.”

Ashton blinked at him. “Why would they want to do that?”

Luke felt the world around them condense into this little bubble of just him and Ashton and the rocks and the sea. He didn’t need anything else. “You know, we could disappear too?” He felt Ashton’s hand tense in his. “Just you and me and the moonlight.” Luke pulled Ashton’s hand up to kiss it, but Ashton pulled it back, cradling it against himself like he’d been hurt.

“Luke, I,” he started and stopped. “I told you I can’t. It’s not that simple.”

“I thought you said you were okay with this.”

“I know I did, but I—” He paused, looking into Luke’s eyes with a combination of despondence and love and something else, hopefully not regret.

“I was kidding about disappearing, we have to be back at the bus soon.” Luke’s heart was on a high wire, one strong breath and he was sure it would break. But he wasn’t about to let go on his own.

“I know. But it’s not that easy.”

“Why not?” He could tell he was grasping at nothing, but something in Ashton’s expression betrayed a jagged piece of hope.

“You know I’m… I have a _baby_.”

“That doesn’t have to change anything. She’s adorable. She looked like she was having fun on the road with you. Bring her along?” If Ashton was going to skirt around whatever he was trying to get at, Luke didn’t have to be mature about it either.

“I can’t do that though, I don’t have the luxury of not caring about anyone other than myself.”

“What?” The accusation burned on his face. It was one thing when Calum called him a child, Ashton saying it was entirely more hurtful. “What have we been doing this whole time then? Why did you even bother with me if you think I’m that selfish?” He was almost yelling by the end of the sentence.

Ashton’s voice stayed infuriatingly even. “I can’t keep playing around like this, I’m not a kid anymore.”

“This was all just playing around?” Luke waited for Ashton to defend himself, to defend their relationship, to say anything, but he just looked down. A particularly big wave crashed against the rocks, dusting them with tiny water droplets.

Some time passed, if could have been a few minutes or it could have been half an hour. Luke could only just hear the ocean over his racing thoughts, but he couldn’t think of anything left to do but beg Ashton to stay with him, and either his stubbornness or his dignity wouldn’t let him. The water misted them again, and Luke could taste the salt on his lips. Eventually Ashton stood up. He held out his hand to Luke, who frowned and handed him the car keys. Ashton took the keys but kept his hand out, so Luke took it, pulling himself to stand. He looked at Ashton, suddenly seeing the sadness there for what it was.

Ashton drove them back to the venue in silence, putting on a happy face while handing the mysterious keys off to Calum, who seemed to know where they needed to be returned to. He stopped Luke right before they got back into the bus, leaning up and placing a light but purposeful kiss on Luke’s cheek before turning and climbing up the steps. Luke stood there for a minute, anger washing away slowly. By the time he got inside, Ashton was already tucked inside his bunk, curtain drawn. Luke’s mouth filled with apologies and explanations and clarifications that Ashton was not just a toy he was using to pass the time, but it could wait til morning.

When he woke up, the bus was parked outside the next venue only a few hours away from where they had started last night. He wasn’t surprised to see Ashton’s bunk empty, but walking out into the lounge, the words Calum said made him feel like the world fell out from under him. Ashton was gone.

Once they were at the station, Michael offered to leave Ashton alone if he wanted, but he was genuinely glad Michael wasn’t tired of his drama yet, so he stayed, and they made their way back to Ashton’s apartment.

“One more day,” Michael repeated as Ashton poured them each a glass of red wine. “What?”

“Let me wallow for a minute before you tell me why I’m wrong?” Ashton said.

“I’d let you even if you didn’t look so sad.” Michael clinked their glasses.

“Do you think Luke would have understood?”

“The truth? Or the half-truth you told Calum?”

“The truth. The whole story. If I sat down and told him back then, do you think he would have…”

“Being rejected is never fun,” Michael said. “But there’s no point in wondering now. You can’t change the past.”

“What if I told him tomorrow?” Just the thought of it made his stomach uneasy. He put his glass down on the coffee table.

“He might forgive you.”

“Or he might hate me even more.”

“Either way, you’d get an answer.”

Ashton thought about it for a minute before reaching out for his glass again. “I’m too old for this.”

Michael let out a little laugh. “I don’t think that’s how it works.”

“Unfortunate.”

“What would you say to him?”

Luke entered the studio the next morning filled to the brim with coffee and trepidation. This time, Calum’s hand had been less of a reassurance and more of an outright push. Ashton was in the booth, messing with the kit but not playing yet, and Luke felt a chill right to his core when he lifted his head up at the sound of the door opening to look straight at him. If Calum hadn’t been standing behind him, he would have turned and left. Then again, he was curious about this development. Calum had sworn the night before that he didn’t tell Ashton anything. So what changed between then and now?

His answer came a lot sooner than he expected. Calum got distracted by a bass that one of the studio musicians had dropped off for that afternoon, and Michael was setting up whatever sound stuff needed to be done before they got started. Ashton walked up to him, looking kind of… overcast. Nervous or upset or something that was sure to have something to do with Luke. Luke braced himself.

“I really am sorry I left without saying anything.” Ashton was looking at him with more worry in his eyes than should have ever been there. “I’ve felt awful about it ever since. Michael can tell you.” Luke looked at Michael behind Ashton. He wasn’t even pretending not to listen to them.

Luke bit back what he’d told Calum the night before about that not being the point. “It’s okay. You had people who needed you more.” The implication that Luke had needed him at all hung in the air; Luke wondered if Ashton caught it.

“I just wanted to tell you it wasn’t your fault.”

At this, Luke’s eyes narrowed. Maybe they were remembering the same thing after all. “Are you saying it wasn’t me, it was you?” Most overused break-up line in the book. Luke couldn’t tell how much of it was to break the tension and how much he was itching to know the real answer.

Ashton started and stopped multiple sentences before snapping his mouth shut. “I didn’t want you to blame yourself.”

“That’s very generous of you.”

That seemed to throw a wrench into the conversation. Ashton went back to staring at his hands like he didn’t know what to do next, and Michael was watching them warily. Luke was sure he’d be up in a flash if Ashton made any indication he was more uncomfortable than he could handle.

Luke took a breath. He was far from used to being the one to reach out to fix things between the two of them, but it was the least he could do, and he didn’t know if he would get another olive branch if he rejected this one. “I guess I was the one who ran out yesterday, so I’m sorry too.”

Ashton’s head snapped up, looking at Luke wide-eyed. Luke gave him his best attempt at a smile, and Ashton’s surprised little head-tilt almost made him want to forgive him for everything else too. But one step at a time.

“I also wanted to tell you, you still sound great. On the drums.”

One side of Ashton’s mouth curved up in a smile. “Thanks.”

Michael walked up to them, putting a hand on Ashton’s shoulder. “Ready to go.”

Ashton was done with the last two songs a little before noon, right on schedule. Calum caught onto the shift in energy between Ashton and Luke, so he offered to go pick up a light lunch for the four of them before Ashton went home. The rest of them moved out to the little sunlit room just inside the front hallway. Ashton pulled a water bottle out of the mini fridge and sat down on the couch, at the opposite end from Luke. Michael was still busy with something, running back and forth, probably getting things ready for the afternoon.

“I like how the songs are sounding,” Luke said, feeling like he needed to restart their conversation somehow, or else they might never get another chance to talk.

“You should, they’re your songs,” Ashton said. He was looking at Luke with an expression he couldn’t crack, but he didn’t sound nearly as anxious as he had a couple hours ago.

“I guess you won’t be coming back tomorrow for, um, when they record bass?”

“No.”

Michael dashed past them again, a wire of some sort in his arms, the loose end trailing behind him on the floor.

“Can I ask you something?” Luke said a little too loudly for the silence that followed listening to drums nearly nonstop for an hour. He turned around in his seat, tucking his leg under him so he could face Ashton.

“Think you just did.” Ashton wasn’t frowning at him so he assumed it was a joke. His heart leapt into his throat.

“Tell me why you really left?” Luke asked softly.

“I told you why.”

“It wasn’t because of the fight we had at the beach?”

“No, Luke, I promise it wasn’t.” He sounded beyond sincere. Calum was right, either he was wrong to think he had pushed Ashton away or Ashton was a perfect liar.

“But you remember that night.”

“Yeah, I do,” Ashton said, barely above a whisper.

“You remember saying it felt like we were playing around?”

“I… yeah.”

“You know it wasn’t just some game to me, right?”

Ashton looked over at him. “I said it wasn’t your fault.”

“ _What_ wasn’t my fault?” he asked, starting to get annoyed all over again. “You leaving? Or you thinking I wasn’t taking it seriously enough? Or maybe you still not telling me the truth?”

“Fucking hell, Luke I was _married._ I had a baby. I missed them so much that I started to feel guilty for being happy when I was away from them with you. You don’t know what it’s like to lie to someone who trusts you like that. I couldn’t keep it up.” Ashton suddenly looked smaller. Like he’d used up all his words. “It wasn’t your fault.”

Luke felt like he might need a few days to rearrange his memories to fit what Ashton had just told him. It was, at its core, what Ashton had told Calum and what Calum had relayed to him. Twice. Hearing it from Ashton, though, helped it sink in differently. He couldn’t help asking the only question he had left. “It wasn’t because I wasn’t good enough for you?”

Luke could almost see something break inside Ashton. It almost made him regret asking, but he couldn’t live with not knowing, not now. Ashton blinked a few times, maybe trying not to cry. God, if Ashton started crying in front of him he wouldn’t know how to respond. Luckily he didn’t, just looked him in the eye and cut to the meaning of Luke’s question without hesitation. “Never. You were always enough.”


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “When have you ever not followed through on something you set your mind to?” Ashton looked up from the vegetables he was halfheartedly chopping. “And if it comes to it, Calum and I are always up for some meddling.”

Ashton left after lunch feeling like he had some kind of vulnerability hangover. Michael would have to be updated later on the bits of conversation he missed. At least it was no longer a mystery of what they would say to each other if they ever met again. That thought led him to… should they keep in touch? Were they still friends? Did friends ever get the overwhelming urge to wrap their friends up in a tight hug and reassure them that none of the bad things in their life was their fault? In that moment, all Ashton wanted was to get into his bed and fall asleep so he could stop thinking about it.

No such luck. He got a call from Kennedy as soon as he walked into his apartment. “Hey Kenny, what’s wrong? Aren’t you supposed to be in school?”

“I am, it’s lunch, I’m in the bathroom.”

“Is everything okay?” Why would she be calling _him_ from the bathroom and not her mother?

“Yeahhh,” she stretched it out. “Can you do a tiny little thing for me?”

“What kind of _tiny little thing_ was so important you had to call me from the bathroom at school when you’re not supposed to have your phone on?”

“You know that punk band you toured with last year? The bassist’s brother’s band is playing a show at Webster Hall next month, and I was in class when tickets went on sale this morning and mom wouldn’t buy them for me and now the show is already sold out and I don’t want the guest list to fill up too…”

If she didn’t remind him of how he was at her age, he’d be more upset that she was breaking the rules. “That’s not as easy a favor to ask as you think, darling.”

“But dad, I already told everyone I could get in.”

“Why would you say that?”

“This girl Piper was being rude to Astrid about how she was uncool or whatever and when I tried to help she said I was a loser too so I was like, would a loser be on the guest list of this cool sold-out show? And she was like I don’t believe you. So I said I could prove it. And then she got all bitchy—”

“Watch your language,” Ashton cut in. He knew where this could go if he let her go on.

“Sorry.”

“Don’t make promises you can’t keep, Kennedy.” He sighed. “I’ll see what I can do.”

“Thank you thank you thank you!” she yelled. She was probably jumping up and down. If anyone knew how to unwittingly lift his spirits…

“Go back to lunch before you get in trouble,” he said, shaking his head.

“Thank you!” she said again. “Love you, bye.”

“Love you.” She hung up, probably going off to gloat to her friends. He didn’t realize until after she hung up that she hadn’t even told him the name of the band. At least it was something on his to-do list that would keep his mind occupied for a bit.

Luke didn’t know what to do with himself the rest of the day. He felt like he had suddenly switched timelines, flipped over to a world he never thought he would return to where Ashton talked to him again. Not only had they talked, but he’d managed to walk away without having his heart shattered a second time. It was… confusing. He said as much to Calum when they finally left for the day.

“Honestly, I was a little worried you might start yelling at each other,” Calum said, looking down at his phone.

“But now what?”

“Now? You got your questions answered, you got your apology, now you move on.” He was still on his phone, somehow still making sense despite being obviously distracted.

“Who are you texting?” Probably Michael. Luke leaned over to read over his shoulder, but Calum turned off the screen.

“I’m paying attention to you,” he said. He folded his hands together in his lap. They both heard the quiet buzz of another message coming in. Luke smirked. Another buzz.

“Finally found someone more needy than me to replace me with? I see how it is.”

“Michael is not needy, I just enjoy talking to him.”

“More than you enjoy talking to me?” Luke pulled his lips into an exaggerated pout, laughing when Calum pushed his face away.

“Nice to see you’re not as miserable as you looked yesterday,” Calum said with a smile.

“It’s weird.”

“Not being sad? Sure hope you get used to it.”

“No, it’s just, I don’t know how to feel? I mean, what are we now? Friends?”

Calum looked away for a moment, considering his words, ignoring another phone buzz. “Don’t jump right back into it, okay? Neither of you are the same people you were back then. I don’t want you to go back to being a sad puppy, but I also don’t want you expecting things to go back to the way they were.”

“So what should I do?”

“I’m not your keeper. Since when do you listen to me anyway?”

“I listen to you when it’s important.” _And Ashton is important._

“You know who would understand how you’re feeling? Ashton.”

“So?”

“So _talk_ to him. Do I need to do everything for you?” Calum unlocked his phone and went back to flirting.

Neither Luke nor Ashton had thought about exchanging numbers or emails or anything that could put them back in touch. Luke wasn’t about to go through the chain of Calum-to-Michael-to-Ashton so they could all see him get rejected. But if they didn’t come to some sort of agreement now, he had no idea when, if ever, they would see each other again.

The main issue was that Luke only had three more days in the city, two of which would be taken up by the studio, where Ashton would definitely not be. If Luke was more confident in this album, he might have settled for inviting Michael and Ashton and the other musicians to LA for a launch party or something, but he was walking a fine line with the label as it was. He didn’t know if there would be an album launch at all, or when it would be. For all he knew, even if they loved the songs, it could be pushed off another year, and that felt like too long to wait for whatever was going to happen next. The energy between them had been too strong to let it sit that long, especially at the risk of it fizzling back into nothing.

He looked over to see Calum smiling at his phone. “Hey Cal? Don’t you think you and Michael should go on a real date before we go back home?”

Ashton had had a couple hours before he needed to start thinking about dinner, and it hadn’t been hard to figure out which band Kennedy had been talking about, so after trying and failing not to overthink, he resigned himself to cooking. Michael called him a little earlier than he expected.

“Let me in!”

“Are you here? You could just ring the buzzer.”

“I did, and you didn’t answer, but I know you’re home.”

“Maybe I’m not,” Ashton said, pushing the button to let him up.

“Bitch.” Michael hung up.

Ashton only had time to cut a clove of garlic in half before Michael was running through the door. “What are you so excited about?”

“Calum asked me out.” He was grinning from ear to ear and almost bouncing on his toes.

“Took him long enough.” Michael looked underwhelmed by his reaction. “I’m happy for you!”

“Thank you, that’s more like it. I thought you’d have music playing or something, you never miss the buzzer.”

“I must have been distracted.”

“I bet. You and Luke looked pretty tense.”

“He asked why I left.”

“And?”

“I told him the truth.”

“He looked like he took it fairly well.”

Ashton swallowed down the way his heart had practically flooded when Luke asked if he wasn’t enough. There was no way to describe how exposed he’d felt answering him. “Surprisingly. I just don’t know where that leaves us.”

“You’ll figure it out,” Michael said reassuringly.

“But what if that was it?”

“It wasn’t.”

“How can you be so sure?”

“When have you ever _not_ followed through on something you set your mind to?” Ashton looked up from the vegetables he was halfheartedly chopping. “And if it comes to it, Calum and I are always up for some meddling.”

Ashton wasn’t sure how the depth of Michael’s friendship still managed to surprise him, but after all this time, if he was falling, Michael was his parachute. “Did you pull Calum into this without even asking him?” Actually, he made a good point. If he and Calum were as head over heels as they looked from the outside, that was as close to a direct link to Luke as he was going to get.

Michael’s face went pink, making Ashton laugh. “Shut up. Where’s the pasta sauce? Let me do something.”

Ashton gestured to the shelf. “Do you know this band?” He pulled out his phone and held it out for Michael to read the name.

“No but they sound vaguely familiar. Why?”

“Kenny wants to be guest listed for their sold-out show here next month.”

“And you said you’d do it? You’re such a fucking pushover.” Michael pulled a piece of spaghetti out of the colander and popped it in his mouth.

“Stop eating my food!” Ashton swatted at him to get away, but they both knew there was more than enough if he decided to stay for dinner.

“So how are you gonna get her into the show?”

“I didn’t say I could, I said I would try.”

“That just means you didn’t want to get her hopes up.” Michael pulled out his phone, leaning back against the counter.

“You know she called me from the bathroom at school to ask me about it?”

“And you snuck out to your car in high school one time so you could listen to the radio to win tickets for a Green Day concert.”

“I regret telling you that.”

“Nah, it convinced me you weren’t boring. Calum says he might know the band.”

“You asked him? Kenny told me one of their brothers was in a band I toured with last year.”

Michael looked up. “And me asking Calum is worse than you having to ask a weird favor, how?”

“I guess it’s not.”

“Do you want me to tell him not to tell Luke?” Michael was smirking at him.

“Fuck off.”

Luke’s reaction to seeing Ashton in the studio the first day had been to freeze; seeing him walk through the door with a tray of iced coffees the next afternoon had him at the complete opposite end of the spectrum. Golden sunlight from the late afternoon spilled in from the hallway to the dark room when he pushed the door open. Michael took the cup in the middle to make it easier for Ashton to balance the rest of them until he could put them down on the desk. Luke almost didn’t catch what he said to Michael about not existing to feed his coffee habit.

As soon as he put the coffee down, Ashton’s eyes did a sweep of the room and landed right on Luke. Luke smiled a little, hopeful, but not fearless. Ashton’s face reflected the same smile, and Luke figured it was now or never. He didn’t bother checking with Calum to see if he was okay to leave, following Ashton out of the room.

“Ash?” The old nickname felt strange on his tongue, but he pushed past it. Ashton turned around, surprised, and _relieved?_ “Cal mentioned you were trying to get into a show. I got you plus one on the guest list. Well, he did.”

“How did you pull that?”

“Their sound guy used to work for us- uh, me. Calum figured it out, but I wanted to tell you.”

A confused smile grew on Ashton’s face. “Well, thanks. My daughter had a sob story about how she didn’t get a ticket and Michael says I’m a pushover, so…”

Luke couldn’t help but smile back. “Kennedy, right?”

“Yeah. You remember?”

“Of course, she was so cute. I’m sure she has more teeth now.”

Ashton let out a surprised laugh. “That she does.” Luke was talking himself back and forth about whether or not to ask Ashton if they could keep in touch, but Ashton got over the silence a little faster. “Tell Calum thanks for the tickets. I should head out.”

“Sure.” Luke was left standing in the hallway, hope spreading warm across him for the first time in a while.

M: You still don’t have his number

M: That’s the whole reason I asked you to bring me coffee

M: You’re the literal worst

A: You didn’t tell me that??

M: But you talked to him 👀

A: Yes? He said Calum got Kenny on the guest list

M: And let me guess, you said thank you and left?

A: I didn’t know you were trying to set us up!!


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You’d be okay with knowing you and Luke were friends again for an hour and then went back to being strangers because you’re an asshole and he’s an idiot?” Ashton held eye contact, but Michael was one move from calling his bluff. “Okay then.”

Luke and Calum left for LA, as Michael informed Ashton on Sunday. Michael’s date must have gone pretty well, as evidenced by the fact that Michael didn’t call Ashton to tell him about it until Sunday morning. Ashton decided not to ask. The days after that were back to normal, but it started to feel liminal. He did have a small tour coming up – just under two weeks up and down the East coast with a band he’d never heard of called Hot Cousins – but not for another month, until after Kennedy’s concert. He cycled between learning the new songs and playing through old ones, some of his own but mostly Luke’s, in all his free time. Michael kept telling him not to overthink how easily the old music came back to him. He didn’t even know how many of those songs Luke would still play live, but he put on his headphones and found himself listening to songs he had avoided for almost thirteen years, and for the first time, they felt more nostalgic than melancholy.

Michael was also keeping him updated on all things Calum, which meant he was keeping up with Luke by proxy. He wondered whether or not he should have asked for Luke’s number before he left, but in a pinch he could get it from Michael. It didn’t feel as brittle now, not speaking to Luke. It didn’t exactly feel resolved, but at least he wasn’t dreading the next time they ran into each other. At this rate that meeting would probably be at Michael and Calum’s wedding.

Ashton picked up Kennedy and Astrid from the train station, and they were greeted by Michael outside the apartment. Astrid mumbled an apology and ran to the bathroom the minute they got inside.

“Mom told me not to take advantage of your connections to get tickets to shows anymore,” Kennedy reported, dropping her backpack to the floor.

“She told me,” Ashton said.

“I told her you weren’t mad about it. She said I should be more considerate.”

“Where was your consideration when you made Michael carry you up the stairs?” Ashton asked.

“He offered!” she said, looking immediately distressed. Michael started laughing.

“Don’t let them make you feel bad, kiddo,” Michael said. “Hey Ash, you wanna tell her who got those tickets?”

“Luke’s manager,” he said. Michael continued to snicker behind him.

“Okay I don’t care what mom says, your connections are great.” She must have noticed the dirty look he gave Michael, because she walked up and gave him a soft hug. “You’re the best, I love you.” Michael was right, he was a pushover. Astrid rejoined them and the girls took off back into the bathroom to get ready for the show.

“Why do I feel outnumbered every time you and Kenny are in the same room?” Ashton asked as soon as the door closed.

“Because she texts me memes that she knows you wouldn’t understand?”

“Because you both act like you’re the same age?”

“Because you don’t know which of us you love more?” Michael asked innocently.

“Yeah, that’s definitely it. Why are you here anyway? You know I have to leave in like an hour to drop them off at the show?”

Michael shrugged. “Just wanted to hang out, see Kenny.”

Ashton was suspicious, but he let it go.

He figured it out an hour and a half later. He picked up the tickets and handed them off to the girls, who ran inside, and then he was face to face with Luke. “What the fuck?”

“Hi?”

“Hi?” Ashton parroted, trying to recover any words.

“I didn’t mean to surprise you, well I guess I did but not like that, I mean, can we talk?” Luke was looking at him in a way that made him feel like he didn’t really have a choice.

“Okay.”

“Not here?” he asked when Ashton made no moves.

“Oh, yeah, where do you wanna go?” He was hoping Luke didn’t suggest going back to his apartment. It would feel far too invasive, especially when Ashton wasn’t even sure whether they were friends or not. He assumed that’s where this conversation would lead, but he didn’t know what he wanted.

“Are you hungry? I saw a cute café down the street.”

Ashton followed him, trying not to fall behind. It felt like the faster his mind raced the slower his feet moved. “Um, no offense, but what are you doing here?” he asked when they were seated at a table. His eyes had scanned over the menu and retained none of it.

“I never got a chance to ask if we could keep in touch.” Luke’s voice went up at the end like it was a question.

“You could have asked Calum for my number and instead you flew all the way to New York?”

“I didn’t know if you would say no.”

“Oh.”

Luke waited before asking, “Is that a no?”

“No!” Ashton said quickly. “Yes, I- yeah, here.” He unlocked his phone and slid it across the table for Luke to put his number in. He was quiet, passing it back. “That’s the only reason you came?”

“No, I—” He stopped when their waitress came back to take their drink orders, asking for an iced tea. “Honestly, I wanted to know where we stand.”

“I was kinda wondering the same thing,” Ashton admitted.

“Are we still friends?”

“I don’t know?”

Luke looked like he was holding his breath. “Do you wanna be?”

“Yeah.” Luke raised his eyebrows in a question: _do you mean it?_ “I’d like that.”

By the time they got their food, they were more or less chatting in a way that would have looked to anyone else like they were friends. Luke still felt like there was an invisible wall up between them, but they were talking.

“The label actually said that?” Ashton asked.

Luke nodded. “Apparently I’m on thin ice.”

“And you flew across the country in the middle of production?”

“It’s basically done. And I’m only here for the weekend.” _Besides, this was important._

“Did you ever think of going independent? Fuck a label, do what you want?”

“Honestly, I should quit while I’m behind.”

Ashton’s fork hovered halfway between the plate and his mouth. “Are you serious?”

“Not quit music, just quit trying to get back to where I was. Maybe I’ll stick to writing.”

“You wouldn’t want to tour off the new music?”

“Why? Did you want to join me?” He meant it sarcastically but he noticed a slight blush rising on Ashton’s face. “It almost isn’t as fun anymore, it’s like being stuck in a little bubble while the world grows up around you and then suddenly you’re the only one left behind. The music feels more like it’s about me now anyway, not about performing it.”

“So why are you trying so hard with this album? If it’s not meant to be a redemption story?”

“Just doing what’s expected, I guess.”

“I hope you know you deserve better than that.” It took so long for the words to register in his head that he didn’t hear the waitress asking if the check would be together or separate. He definitely didn’t hear Ashton’s answer while he was staring into space. He would figure it out when the check came, he supposed… but Ashton had said that so casually that he wondered if he was wrong to ever doubt it. “Luke?” Ashton’s voice brought his attention back to the table.

“Hmm?”

“You okay?”

 _Besides whatever weird backflippy thing his heart just did?_ “Yeah.”

“As a friend, can I ask you something I’ve been wondering for years?”

“Years?”

“What happened to you? In the media and all? Between the drinking and partying and all the ways they found to drag your name through the mud, I mean I tried to assume the best at first but…”

“I don’t know, it went downhill kind of fast.” Ashton had disappeared, that’s what happened, and along with him went Luke’s whole heart. There was only so much he could channel into sad songs, but he didn’t even feel sad. He felt like he was missing a limb, a piece of him that he took for granted and even when it was gone, he felt its ghost filling up the empty space. Calum managed to find another drummer to fill in for the rest of tour, and life went on. There wasn’t really time to sit in his feelings and sort them out. Another month of shows, a month of solid distractions from the _why?_ sitting heavy in his chest. He tried to reason with it – they hadn’t said they loved each other, had barely talked about actually dating, hadn’t discussed what it would have meant for Ashton’s family – and none of it made him feel any better. Shows ended and so did that distraction, so he filled the silence with nights out instead.

“You know you met my daughter the other day?” Ashton asked.

“I’ve met her before,” Luke said, trying to keep up with the sudden turn in the conversation. He was still trying to come up with an answer to what happened to him.

“No, a couple weeks ago. She said she paid for a cab to your hotel, so I think you owe me cab fare.”

The memory came back to him in pieces, but then he placed the familiar sparkle in the girl’s hazel eyes. “Oh, I didn’t realize she was your daughter.”

“So you do remember?” Ashton asked, giving him a look that was somehow both emotionless and a slap to the face.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“She said you were drunk. And alone.” He didn’t know how to confirm that without sounding pathetic. “Bit reckless, huh?”

“It wasn’t that bad—”

“Bad enough that you got in a car with a couple teenagers you didn’t know.”

Luke frowned. “You know as well as I do that nothing would have happened.”

“Some random paps aren’t gonna know that. And to be perfectly honest, as the father of one of those teenage girls, I wasn’t thrilled to hear about it. I can’t say I didn’t expect you to change over the last thirteen years, but you took a turn I wasn’t expecting.”

“When did this turn into an attack on me?”

“It’s not an attack,” Ashton said. “It’s a concern.”

“Well, don’t be. You don’t know anything about me anymore.”

“I would if you told me,” he said matter-of-factly.

Luke pursed his lips. “You can’t suddenly decide we’re friends and then act like you deserve to know every detail of my life that you missed. That was your fault.”

“Then maybe I spoke too soon.”

Just like that they were back to not speaking. Luke’s number sat in Ashton’s phone, untouched but opened so many times that he could have memorized the number by now if he tried.

He hadn’t known how to say that he was a little overprotective of his daughter, particularly now that he was faced with the only person who had ever even brought up the idea of leaving her behind. Ashton knew that he was overreacting, that Luke had explicitly said he could bring Kennedy along back then, but to admit he’d been genuinely tempted to take Luke up on his offer to run away together. He didn’t know how to say that the admission had only compounded the guilt of being with Luke at all. That setting himself adrift in Luke’s ocean blue eyes was not a risk he could take back then, and he didn’t know how to not be scared by it.

Michael was close to taking it into his own hands. “Did you text him yet?”

“And say what?”

“Sorry for being a dickhead maybe?”

“He—” Ashton cut himself off from saying Luke started it. “Shouldn’t he apologize?”

“One of you is going to have to be the bigger person here, or else you’re never gonna speak again and I might as well delete his number.” He held out his hand.

“So what if we never speak again?”

Michael tilted his head, still holding out his hand. Ashton handed his phone over just to make a point. Michael unlocked it quickly and Ashton saw him opening his contacts. “You’d be okay with knowing you and Luke were friends again for an hour and then went back to being strangers because you’re an asshole and he’s an idiot?” Ashton held eye contact, but Michael was one move from calling his bluff. “Okay then.” Michael looked down and started tapping and Ashton leapt out of his seat to grab his phone back.

“You fucking texted him?” Ashton stared down at his phone like Michael had set it on fire.

“You weren’t fucking going to! And you don’t even have to hear from Calum about how Luke is sulking around or whatever.”

“What’s he sulking about?”

“I don’t know, but he made an effort to talk things out with you, so maybe you should let him in a little.”

“What do you mean, let him in? I didn’t say anything to turn him away.”

“You probably got defensive about something and turned into a brick wall. I don’t know exactly what either of you said, but it sounded like things were going fine until they weren’t. Don’t look at me like that, you know how stubborn you can be.”

“But you still expect me to text him first?” Ashton’s phone buzzed in his hand and he almost threw it at Michael.

Michael’s eyes lit up. “Is it him? What did he say?”

“I don’t even know what _you_ said!” He scrambled to read the message. “He said hey? You said hi? That’s it?”

“You didn’t exactly give me time to craft a sonnet.”

“Shut up. What am I supposed to say to him now?”

“Oh my god, do you hear yourself?”

“You started a conversation—”

“What would you tell Kennedy?”

“That it’s not that big a deal and to not overthink it, but she’s a teenager.”

“And, as an adult, you have the right to overthink it?” Ashton scowled. “Tell him I told you to stop being a dick.”

“I’m not!” But he let Michael snatch his phone away and type out a message for him, not waiting for approval before hitting send. Knowing Michael, he wrote exactly what he said.

A: Hi

L: Hey

A: Michael told me to stop being a dick

L: Calum told me to stop being an idiot

L: Maybe they’re both wrong and we should be mad at them instead of each other

Michael grinned and handed his phone back. “He said he doesn’t want you to be mad at him.”

Ashton read over the messages. “That’s not what he said.”

“That’s what he meant.”

Michael was right and Ashton knew it, and judging by the smug look on his face, so did Michael.

A: I’m not mad at you

A: Michael on the other hand

L: We gotta tell them to mind their own beeswax

“Luke said you and Calum should fuck off,” Ashton informed Michael. Michael gave him a middle finger for his efforts.

A: You just said that cuz you can’t spell business

L: Did not

“Did you and Calum plan this?”

“No, but we’re sick of you two being moody.”

“You asked me to come over!”

“Yeah, you were gone for a few weeks and I missed you,” Michael said plainly.

A: You’re right the Malum terror must end

L: Malum

L: Omg

L: Calum’s gonna get a kick out of that

“Are you gonna sit there texting Luke or are you gonna let me kick your ass at Super Smash?”


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A: I’m guessing she didn’t have any concerts coming up or I’m sure she would have asked for tickets  
> A: Never been more thankful One Direction broke up  
> L: Don’t let her hear you say that  
> A: Lol yikes

Ashton was texting Luke almost as much as Calum, but they weren’t really talking about anything beyond music. Ashton didn’t bring up their argument and Luke didn’t question his willingness to avoid that particular conflict. Calum, of course, thought that was a bad thing. “You can’t be friends who never talk about the elephant in the room.”

“It’s not an elephant, it’s like, a mouse.”

“How long do you think you’re gonna stay friends if you’re both tiptoeing around this?”

“I don’t want to have this discussion with him, it’s bad enough when you do it.” Calum raised his eyebrows. “Not like that, I’m, I appreciate when you do it, but he—”

“You know, maybe if you talk about it like the mature adult you are, he’ll stop treating you like the kid you act like?”

“You didn’t hear what he said, it’s like he doesn’t trust me.”

“It sounded like he was worried about you. If I didn’t know you were sober, I would be too.”

“Am I really that bad?”

“Ashton doesn’t know you’re not. Think about it, all he’s seen about you is from tabloids and then when he asked you about it, you didn’t take it well.”

“It didn’t feel like worry.”

“Maybe because he didn’t want to be disappointed. You two were so close back then, maybe he didn’t want to ruin the way he used to see you?”

Luke pouted. “How’d you get so fucking wise?”

“You hired me to be wise, it’s in my job description.”

“I don’t think that’s true.”

“Just talk to him.”

Luke waited until past 1 am his time, when he knew Ashton would be asleep, before sending a text.

L: Sorry I freaked out when you asked what happened to me. Kind of a long story? But Calum’s been helping me stay sober, and I’ll answer all the other questions you had without yelling

Ashton replied by the time he was done brushing his teeth, making him wish he would have waited a little longer before sending the message. Or maybe Ashton was up early? Why would he be awake at 4 am?

A: I should have asked in a more sensitive way

L: Why are you awake?

A: I’m glad you’re doing well, sorry I probably contributed to making it worse

L: You’re supposed to be asleep?

A: Also sorry I didn’t really give you a chance to talk, I know I can be stubborn

L: WHY ARE YOU AWAKE

A: I thought you weren’t going to yell?

A: Getting an early start to drive up for Kennedy’s birthday

L: You weren’t answering me ffs

L: Why do you need to leave so early?

A: She said all she wants is to play hooky so I figured why not

A: And Michael said if I didn’t take her someplace fun he would do it so I didn’t really have a choice

L: Where are you going?

A: I asked her what she wanted to do and she came back with white water river tubing!! Couldn’t believe it, but she said it looks like fun and none of her friends want to go with her so now we’re driving 45 mins to tube a river

L: Fuck that sounds a lot more fun than high school

A: I’m guessing she didn’t have any concerts coming up or I’m sure she would have asked for tickets

A: Never been more thankful One Direction broke up

L: Don’t let her hear you say that

A: Lol yikes

Luke was about to put his phone away to let Ashton focus on where he was going – he didn’t know if he was renting a car and driving the whole way – but Ashton hadn’t asked him any questions.

L: You didn’t have anything to ask me?

A: Sure, how was your day?

L: Fine, but that’s not what I meant

A: I don’t have anything else to ask. I’m very glad you’re sober and I’m sorry I was a bit aggressively worried about you but you’ve never broken my trust and I don’t think that has changed now

A: Friends? For real?

L: Of course

Once again, Luke didn’t know how to feel, although this type of confusion felt a lot more like butterflies than whatever void he and Ashton had been existing in. He was waiting for Calum to get out of a meeting at the label that afternoon when he got a selfie from Ashton, all broad, sun-kissed shoulders, a river in the near distance behind him, sunglasses on his nose and a bright smile on his face. Calum found him staring into space a few minutes later and pulled him up so they could leave.

They climbed into Calum’s car and he sighed. “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”

“Oh no,” Luke groaned, leaning forward until his forehead was on the dash.

“How about a news sandwich?” Calum plowed on. “Good news: they like the new songs. Bad news: they’re dropping you after this album. Good news: twenty date final tour across the country.”

Luke lifted his head up. “They like the songs?”

“Not the part I expected you to latch onto but yes?” Calum was looking at him, confused. “Why?”

“Enough to give me a farewell tour?”

“They didn’t call it that… why do you sound excited?”

“Not excited,” Luke said slowly. “Relieved maybe?” Calum continued to stare. “It just feels like there’s less pressure. Like I can stop trying to be who I was ten years ago and, I don’t know, grow up.”

“Is this because of Ashton?”

“What does he have to do with it?”

“Just wondering. So what do you mean by growing up? Sounds like you already have plans.”

“Not a single one.” Luke laughed to himself.

“You’re in a weird mood,” Calum said as he shook his head and pulled out of the parking lot.

Ashton was not unadventurous by any means, but Kennedy had endless energy compared to the way she usually was in the mornings. “You can get up at 8 for river tubing but you can’t do it for school?” Ashton had asked on the way there. Kennedy had just rolled her eyes.

Now, a drive, a river, and a bus back to where their car was parked later, she was still giggling and happy. “This was so much better than being in school, you have no idea.”

“I’m glad you’re having a good birthday.” Ashton smiled at her shaking her hair upside down before wrapping it in a towel. “Ready to go back and pick up your mom for dinner?” She nodded. “Call Michael on the way back, see if you can get him to tell you what he’s getting you, because he won’t tell me.” Kennedy hadn’t been hinting at anything expensive, which was a good sign, but if she’d said even a word to Michael, there was no stopping him. Whatever it was, Michael wouldn’t be able to hide it come the weekend when they drove back for Kennedy’s party.

Ashton mostly tuned out their facetime chatter over the low music until Michael asked why he hadn’t gotten any pictures from their day. “I don’t know, I saw dad sending some.” Kennedy turned to look at him and he tried to look as nonchalant as possible.

“Maybe there was a bad signal or something,” he supplied.

“Maybe he sent them to the wrong person,” Michael said.

“Who else would he be sending pictures to?” Kennedy asked, thankfully not in on the underlying level of mild emotional chaos that came from having Luke back in his life. She narrowed her eyes at him and then looked back at Michael on her screen. “You would tell me if he was dating someone, right?”

Ashton couldn’t imagine what Michael’s expression must have looked like. “I think he would tell you himself if he was dating someone,” Michael said calmly.

Kennedy gave him one last suspicious look and changed the subject.

When they stopped for gas, he sent Michael the pictures and a string of middle finger emojis.

Saturday morning, Ashton woke up to his alarm and a text from Luke.

L: Sent you something but they’re for Kennedy

A: ?

Not more than half an hour later, a delivery person was at the door dropping off a massive bouquet of brightly colored flowers and a little birthday card.

“How come you get to drive?” Michael asked, shuffling in his seat so the flowers weren’t in his face. It was hard to do when the bouquet was almost as tall as the car.

“Because she’s my daughter.”

“But she likes me better.”

“You can drive on the way home,” Ashton conceded.

“Why? Are you planning on being the dad that gets drunk at his daughter’s sweet sixteen?”

He was considering dropping Michael off right there on the side of the road. “What did you get her, by the way?”

“A necklace and some earrings.”

“I was scared you were going to say a car or something.”

“She doesn’t have her license yet,” Michael pointed out, as if he was being helpful.

“Terrifying that that’s the only thing stopping you.”

“That and the price. Why did you buy flowers here instead of getting them there? You’re lucky I’m not allergic.”

“I didn’t. Luke did.” Ashton prepared himself for yelling.

“Luke? Sent Kenny flowers for her birthday?”

“Why do you sound so surprised?”

“I mean, I didn’t know he knew when her birthday was, but I guess you told him the other day when you were sending him pictures from the river. When did you two start talking so much anyway?”

Ashton sighed. “When I decided you were right that I was being too stubborn.”

“Can I get that in writing?”

“Shut up, this is why I didn’t tell you before. Who are you texting? If you and Kenny are gossiping about me—”

“I’m not gossiping about you with her, but I am with Calum.” Michael shoved Ashton’s hand away when he tried to block the screen. “Hands on the wheel.”

“What are you telling him?”

“Just bragging that I was right.” Michael’s distracted tone said he was definitely lying.

There was no alcohol at the party, so he couldn’t even blame that when he fumbled his way out of a conversation to answer a phone call from Luke. “Hello?” he said, wandering through the building trying to find a quiet space.

“Guess fucking what?” Luke asked excitedly.

“This better be important, I’m at Kenny’s party.” He didn’t mention that Kennedy had given him a hug hello, gushed over the flowers, and then raced back to her friends. The scene of a retro bowling alley with a bunch of kids dressed like they were going to prom was indescribable.

“Sorry, maybe I should have just texted,” Luke said, sounding suddenly more awkward.

“No, tell me what you wanted to say?”

“I’m getting dropped by my label!”

Ashton paused. “Why is that a good thing?”

“I don’t know but I’m happy about it!”

“So what’s gonna happen to all these songs? I thought you said they liked them?”

“No, after this album. And after another tour.”

“And then you’re a free bird. I’m starting to see the appeal.”

“Calum keeps asking me what I want to do after.”

“You don’t know,” Ashton said, smiling a little.

“No clue. Like I said, maybe writing. I never got good at producing. Maybe I’ll get a regular job somewhere, the possibilities are endless. But I should let you get back to the party. Did you get the flowers?”

“I did, passed them along to Kennedy and she was delighted. I’m just lucky they fit in my rental car.”

“Should I have gotten smaller ones?” Luke asked, insecurity creeping into his voice again.

“No,” Ashton said softly, reassuringly. “She loved them. And I thought it was sweet.”

“Well, great. I should let you get back to the party.”

Ashton suddenly realized that if Michael found him like this, leaning against a wall alone with a sappy smile, he’d never hear the end of it. “Yeah, I should go.”

“I don’t know if you saw the card, but I didn’t put my name on it just in case you weren’t, or, didn’t want Kennedy to know…”

“I didn’t want to take credit for the flowers, but you know, it’s complicated.”

“No, I understand.”

“I’ll tell her eventually.”

“It’s okay if you don’t, I’m just glad she liked them. And that you did,” Luke added. Ashton felt like there were words caught in his throat but he didn’t quite know what they were. “Go have fun at the party, I don’t want to keep you.”

“Okay,” Ashton breathed. “Bye.”

“Bye.” Luke hung up, but Ashton stayed there in the hallway, searching his vocabulary for anything to explain how the call had left him feeling.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You look like you’re considering it. Stop.”  
> “I thought you said you were undecided.”  
> “I just decided. It’s a bad idea.”

“So the album is at the end of January and then the tour is February—Luke, pay attention.” If Calum had a ruler to smack the table with like a grade school teacher, he would have. Or at least that’s the vibe he was giving off.

“I am!”

“So when I’m gone, you’ll be working on?”

“Getting the album art approved,” Luke replied disdainfully.

“And?”

“And what else?”

“You can try not having another Ashton-related crisis until I’m back,” Calum said sarcastically.

“I’ll try my best,” Luke said, rolling his eyes.

“You know that means you can’t ask him to join the tour.”

“But what if he—”

“If he says no, you’ll be upset. If he says yes, then I have to deal with mediating whatever bullshit argument you end up getting into after two days on tour.”

Luke sighed. “Fine, I won’t ask him.” Calum walked around the small table and gave Luke a hug around his shoulders. “Have fun with Michael, chasing waterfalls or whatever.”

“More like sipping drinks out of coconuts.”

“Bring one back for me.”

“A coconut?”

“Yeah, fresh from Hawaii.”

Kennedy’s cake was two tiers of neon frosting roses and a ton of sparklers. Michael grabbed two slices and pulled Ashton to the side. “Where were you?”

“When?”

“When you walked out of a conversation to take a phone call that I’m sure was Luke, or else you would have ignored it.”

“Maybe it was for work?”

“Right, you’d take a work call at Kenny’s party. What did he say?”

Ashton narrowed his eyes. “What do you know?”

“Not much unless you tell me. Calum mentioned a new album?”

“No, you know something I don’t, what is it?”

“He also mentioned a tour.”

“And?”

“For the record, Calum thinks it’s a bad idea, and I’m undecided…” Ashton gestured for him to continue. “Luke wants to ask you to join the tour.”

A month at minimum back on a tour bus with Luke? Close enough that neither of them could ignore each other? Short enough that if things went south he could manage to not leave Luke hanging again. “Oh, that is a bad idea.”

“You look like you’re considering it. Stop.”

“I thought you said you were undecided.”

“I just decided. It’s a bad idea.”

“How bad could it be?”

“We’ll talk about it later,” Michael said, cutting his eyes over Ashton’s shoulder. Ashton turned around to see Kennedy in her fluffy pink dress and bowling shoes.

“Mom told me to get you so we could take pictures. What’s a bad idea?”

“Michael getting a dog,” Ashton said unconvincingly.

“That’s not what you were talking about, and that’s not a bad idea.”

“It could be a bad idea.” Ashton put his hands on her shoulders and gently pushed her in front of him toward the balloon arch where a makeshift photobooth was set up.

“I thought you said it was a good idea,” Kennedy asked as they walked, tilting her head.

“I changed my mind.”

“Daaad that’s not what you were talking about,” she whined. “Tell me!”

“Have I told you that you look beautiful today?” he tried.

She stopped in front of the balloons and crossed her arms. Someone snapped a picture.

“See? You don’t wanna look all pouty in your photos.”

“That’s fine,” she said sweetly. “Michael will tell me later.”

Ashton shouldn’t have let Michael drive. He couldn’t stop checking his phone, but there was no way he was going to ask Luke first, and he was definitely not about to call him back when Michael could hear the whole conversation. “You can’t tell Kenny if she asks what we were talking about.”

“You’re not the boss of me,” Michael said, grinning deviously.

“I mean it.”

“I know you do, and I won’t. God, it’s like you don’t trust me.”

“I don’t trust the two of you not to team up against me.”

“What do you think she would say? If you told her you had a crush on Luke?”

“I do not have a _crush_ on Luke,” he insisted.

“You’re waiting for him to text you like you can’t stand to not talk to him for a few hours.”

“I am not that bad.”

“I know you are, because that’s how I was with Calum when you called me a teenager. But answer the question.”

“I don’t know,” he said honestly. “That’s part of why I don’t want to tell her. Even if we started dating, which again, would be a bad idea.”

“Why would that be bad?” Michael asked, no teasing in his voice.

“Because we—you were the one who said it would be a bad idea!”

“To go on tour with him, not to date.”

“You don’t think we’re too…”

“Dysfunctional? Yes, but I think you could work through it.”

“I was gonna say hopeless.”

“You’re only hopeless if one of you gives up,” Michael said softly. “That doesn’t mean I don’t still think it’s a bad idea for you to go on tour with him.”

“So what do you suggest?”

Michael’s mischievous look was back. “He’s bound to play a show in New York. Sweep him off his feet?”

Ashton made a face. “I’m not really a sweeping person.”

“Right, he’s the one who flew to you just to get your number, he’s the one who asked you to stay on for two tours, he’s the one who—”

“Stop.”

“You get my point.”

“The tour isn’t even til next year.”

“So maybe you fly to him?”

Ashton had asked Michael if he was sure it wasn’t the worst idea he’d ever had, but if Michael could fly to Hawaii for a week with Calum after they’d only been dating a few months, Ashton could make some bad decisions of his own. Of course, as he told Michael, it was different, seeing how Michael and Calum were so much less of a mess than he and Luke would ever be. Michael insisted he would be okay for two days. So he texted Luke asking if it was okay, and the next thing he knew his plane was landing was at LAX.

Luke showed up to pick him up without having to ask, which was better than trying to call a lyft, but only emphasized the fact that Ashton had no clue what he was doing there. He sat in the passenger seat and fiddled with his phone case while Luke sang along to the music, feeling far too safe and nervous at the same time.

“What did you want to do while you’re here?” Luke asked. The GPS was spitting out directions to get onto the freeway.

Ashton hadn’t told him he had literally no plans for this trip other than to see him. “Nothing in particular.”

Luke glanced at him. “Nothing?”

“Is that Thai place you raved about still open?”

If Luke wasn’t focused on changing lanes, Ashton was sure he’d be on the receiving end of a rightfully confused stare. “Not til five, they only do dinner.”

“Then how about you drop me off at my hotel for now and we’ll go there for dinner?”

“You really don’t have anything else you need to do?”

Ashton shrugged, knowing Luke couldn’t see. “Got lonely without Michael.”

“Didn’t he just leave yesterday?”

“Okay, so I wanted to see you.” Ashton tried to say it casually, but Luke turned to face him. Ashton was close to yelling at him to watch where he was going.

“I can’t say I hate that,” Luke said, smiling as he turned back around.

Luke and Ashton were halfway through dinner when both of them got the same text saying Calum and Michael were having more fun than them. They sent a thread of pictures from the beach looking terribly clingy and adorable. “Should we send one back?” Luke asked.

“And prove them right?” Ashton laughed.

“Hey, I’m having fun!”

“Sure, but we’re not on a beach in Hawaii.”

“We could go to the beach?” Luke suggested. Ashton could have said he was jealous they weren’t near a volcano and Luke would have driven him 15 hours to Yellowstone.

“Nah, I’m having fun here.” Ashton smiled at him and Luke took the opportunity to take a picture anyway.

“Any plans for tomorrow?” Luke asked.

“Yeah.” Luke tried not to be disappointed, until Ashton went on. “Let me take you on a real date?”

To say his heart skipped a beat would have been an understatement. He was pretty sure his mouth was hanging open. “What?”

Ashton’s eyes widened a bit. “Only if you want to. Don’t feel like you have to say—”

“Okay.”

“Are you sure?”

Luke wanted to kiss the uncertainty off Ashton’s face. “Yes, I’m sure. What did you have in mind?”

Ashton blinked. “I don’t know, I didn’t think I’d get this far.” He laughed a little. “I’ll come up with something.”

Luke didn’t know whether he was supposed to supply any ideas. He had plenty saved up in the back of his mind from when he’d tried so hard to convince Ashton to go on a real date with him instead of just stealing away from the rest of the touring crew to make out in secret like teenagers. Not that he’d had a problem with that, but after a few weeks it was clear to him – even if it wasn’t to Ashton – that he wanted more than just close company. He wanted a real relationship. He wondered if he was right to blame himself for pushing Ashton about it when Ashton wasn’t ready for it, but it was a lot easier not to fall down that spiral of thought when Ashton – the real, present day Ashton – was right in front of him, grinning and stealing the last dumpling off his plate, as if Luke would have stopped him.

After their meal, they walked side by side back toward where the car was parked, until Ashton stepped in close to Luke to avoid walking into a family with a three-seat-wide stroller and their arms brushed, sending goosebumps up Luke’s arm. He tried to ignore it, but Ashton was looking at him like he was holding his breath. Luke gave him a hopeful smile and held out his hand, and Ashton took it gently, fitting their fingers together like they’d never been apart.

Their date ended up not having an official starting time, since Luke said he would pick Ashton up for brunch. They proceeded to wander around Santa Monica, where Luke kept taking pictures of Ashton when he wasn’t paying attention. Ashton strategically avoided eye contact with Luke when they passed a violinist on the pier playing Can’t Help Falling In Love. Luke just took his hand again and swung their arms playfully.

“Can I admit something?” Ashton asked. They were standing by the wooden rail around the boardwalk, looking out at the ocean. He didn’t let go of Luke’s hand, so it couldn’t be that bad, but Luke’s stomach started buzzing anyway. “I heard you wanted to ask me to join you on tour next spring.”

“Calum can’t keep secrets, I see how it is.” His nerves only got worse. Technically if Ashton asked _him_ , he wasn’t breaking any promises.

“I don’t think it would be a good idea.”

Luke tried not to be let down. “Neither did he.”

“I want to get to know you outside of touring and all that stress. I think diving back into it would put us right back where we were.” Ashton looked apologetic.

Luke sighed. “I know you’re right, but it could have been fun.”

Ashton squeezed Luke’s hand. “I think I like this better.”

Ashton had had no idea what they were supposed to do for their date. Nothing felt right, and he only had one shot. He had texted Michael asking for ideas, but of course never got a response. He considered finding a fancy, well-rated restaurant and making a reservation for that night, but it felt superficial. A movie felt too quiet, like it would defeat the purpose of going on a date at all. He ended up stealing Luke’s car keys and driving them up the coast until they got to an old-style diner in a tiny beach town right off the PCH, where their waitress was on pink and white roller skates.

“How did you know about this place?” Luke asked. He looked so astonished at the décor, from the swirly neon lights on the ceiling to the jukebox nestled in a corner near the bar, that Ashton didn’t want to admit it was a fluke that they stumbled upon it. He settled for a shrug that he hoped came off as coy, not just clueless. Their waitress rolled up with a strawberry milkshake and Luke beamed at Ashton, sending all his doubts rushing away.

“Felt right.” Ashton said.

“There’s only one shake?”

“But there are two straws.” Ashton unwrapped one and poked it through the whipped cream.

“Who said I wanted to share?”

“Who said it was for you?”

“You just did.”

“Only if we split it.”

Luke unwrapped the other straw, giggling. “Is this the kind of fight Calum was worried about us having on tour?”

“I prefer this.” Ashton leaned in to take a sip but Luke pulled the glass away from him. Before he could complain, Luke was leaning across the table, meeting Ashton halfway with a soft kiss.

Luke sat back, blushing. “Sorry. I’ve been wanting to do that for months.” When Ashton didn’t say anything, he pushed the shake back to the center of the table, leaving a trail of condensation across the glass.

It was all Ashton could do not to reach across the table to pull Luke back in by his shirt. “Don’t be,” he said softly. Luke smiled at him and added his straw to the shake.

Ashton would have loved to say they didn’t end up on the same side of the booth like a cheesy romcom couple… When they walked back out to the car, Luke had his arm around Ashton’s waist. The sun was just starting to set, so he didn’t complain when Luke pulled him past the car and across the freeway to the beach. This time there were no rocks, and they were far enough away from the city that there were barely any people. They settled on the sand.

“Does the ocean still scare you?” Luke asked, looking curiously at Ashton.

Ashton gazed back at him, fading sunlight warm on his skin. “A little, but it’s beautiful.” Just then, he felt something move across his hand on the ground and he shrieked, swinging his hand up.

“What happened?”

“Something ran, touched me, I—” Ashton’s eyes were scanning the sand around them but Luke spotted it first.

“It was a little crab,” he laughed. Luke turned around to point at it and they watched it run a few more feet until it disappeared into some grass.

“Don’t laugh at me,” Ashton said, pushing at Luke’s chest with both hands.

Luke continued to laugh, taking Ashton’s hands in his and holding them close to his chest. “I can protect you from the scary crabs in the ocean.”

“I hate you.”

“Fine.” Luke let go of Ashton’s hands. “I’ll let the crabs eat you. You know crabs ate Amelia Earhart?”

Ashton had no response for that. “You’re so weird,” he said, wrapping one of his hands around the back of Luke’s neck and pulling him in for a proper kiss.

The next morning, Luke once again picked Ashton up from his hotel so they could have breakfast together before dropping Ashton off at the airport. Ashton had mentioned briefly that when Luke’s tour stopped in New York, he should officially reintroduce him to Kennedy. Luke had seemed enthusiastic, but suddenly Ashton realized that meant he had to tell her first. He decided not to worry Luke with it, since Michael would be home in a few days anyway and not only was he used to Ashton’s worrying, he also knew Kennedy better.

Luke, however, was quick to pick up on Ashton’s hesitation on their drive to the airport. “You still haven’t told her.” It wasn’t a question, and it wasn’t judgmental, but it made Ashton feel a bit guilty all the same, for making Luke feel like he was being kept a secret and for hiding him from Kennedy.

“I don’t know how,” Ashton sighed. “I’ve never dated anyone quite like you.”

“Taller, blonder, prettier than you?” Luke joked lightly.

“A musician she was practically raised on. You know she probably heard more of your music than anyone else’s for the first five years of her life?”

“And she doesn’t hate me yet, that’s great.”

“She doesn’t hate me yet either.”

“Hey, she’s not going to hate you. From everything you’ve told me about her, it’s pretty obvious she adores you.” Luke glanced at him. “Ash, you said she wasn’t even mad at you for that long when you told her you knew me and kept it from her. She won’t hate you for this.”

“I hope you’re right,” Ashton mumbled. He’d had to choose between them once, and it had been a lot less difficult then. He still knew he would choose Kennedy without question if it came to it, but he didn’t know what he would do if she was upset enough to make him.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> No preview for this chapter, just me adoring Kennedy and everything she is.

Ashton hadn’t left Luke with any set plans for a second date, but at least they were on the same page this time. He gave Michael all of an hour to settle back in the next day before inviting himself over.

“I really don’t understand why you’re so stressed out about this,” Michael said. “Loads of parents would wait until it got serious to tell their kids if they were dating someone new.”

“Loads of parents didn’t already lie to their kid about knowing Luke. Loads of parents don’t get back together with the person who shot them into an early midlife crisis.”

“You can’t blame yourself for that forever.”

“Kenny could.”

“You don’t know until you tell her, do you? And when has she ever held the divorce against you?”

“Maybe she’s never had a reason to.”

“Ash, the worst that could happen is she’s upset with you for a while. She’s sixteen. If she’s mad she’ll complain and then get over it. And you know you don’t owe her that part, right? An affair doesn’t have to be included in what you tell her. She is just a kid.” Michael gave him a calculating look. “What’s this really about?”

“I just don’t want to lose either of them.”

Michael reached out and held Ashton’s face between his hands sternly. “Listen to me. You couldn’t lose either of them if you tried.” Ashton sighed and Michael let him go. “I don’t know how else to convince you.”

“No, I know I just have to do it. You know, I don’t know that I’ve ever told her I’m into men?”

“No kidding?” Michael said with a short laugh, expression unreadable.

“Alright fine, we’re done talking about my melodrama. How was your vacation?”

“Well it took Calum an extra twenty minutes to go through customs because he wanted to bring back a coconut.”

The next time Kennedy was set to visit, she didn’t have any shows or other adventures planned, so it was just her. Ashton had his mind set on telling her about Luke while she was there, but Kennedy seemed to have other plans.

Ashton sat down and steeled himself for the explanation he’d given up trying to rehearse. “Hey Kenny, I have something to tell you.”

Kennedy looked at him, suddenly tense. “Actually,” she said, sinking down on the couch beside him. “I have something to tell you too.”

“Oh?”

“Can I go first?” She sounded so nervous that he wanted to reassure her before she even said anything.

“Yeah, of course.”

She took a deep breath. “I’m bi.” She immediately crinkled her face up like she was waiting for him to react poorly, and then when he didn’t, she opened her eyes and blinked up at him.

Ashton almost started laughing at the timing of it all. No way to tell her now without ruining her moment, he supposed. “You look so worried, darling,” he said gently, scooting over to give her a hug. “I’m very glad you told me.”

“That’s it?” she asked, leaning into him.

“Were you expecting a big speech? I can come up with something if you want.”

“Nooo,” she said dramatically. “I just thought it would be a bigger deal, that’s all.”

“Should I make a bigger deal out of it? Get you a cake?”

“No way.” She turned slightly so she could hug him back. “You’re just a lot more chill about it than I thought you’d be. Michael did tell me I was overthinking it.”

She told Michael before him. “You told Michael before me?”

“Don’t be mad,” she said quickly. “I just knew he had a boyfriend so I figured he’d understand.”

Again, Ashton wanted to laugh. “I’m not mad, Kenny. I’m proud of you. And I love you.”

“Love you too.” And then, like an afterthought, “If you really want to get me a cake I wouldn’t hate it.”

A: You knew??

M: 😬

A: Wish I could be mad that you two are keeping secrets but Kenny and I are both lucky to have you

M: She said it went well

A: It wasn’t gonna go badly was it?

M: Guess this means you didn’t tell her though

A: Wait

A: You knew when I was stressing about telling her about Luke

M: Possible

A: Well fuck

For all his contemplation, there was no way he couldn’t tell Kennedy now. He was never going to get it perfect. Not to mention, if he was getting a small cake for Kennedy – and he would – he might as well earn himself a treat too. He put in the order for the cake to be delivered that evening and went and sat back down next to Kennedy, who seemed to be googling a castle. “I had something to tell you earlier,” he started.

“Yeah?”

“You know how Michael told you I would tell you if I was dating someone?”

She dropped her phone in her lap and threw her arms up. “I was right! I knew I was right! Who is it? Anyone I know?” Ashton didn’t know what to do with her energy, but it was a better start than he had expected. To be fair, despite what Michael had tried to tell him, he was still expecting the worst. He opened and closed his mouth a couple times, unsure of how exactly to say it. “It _is_ someone I know,” Kennedy whispered, eyes sparkling with mischief. If he didn’t tell her soon, she would be begging Michael to. She grabbed his wrist and started shaking his arm. “Tell me?”

“It’s Luke.”

She stilled. “Luke? Like, _Luke?_ ” She watched as he slowly nodded, gauging her reaction. “Luke,” she repeated quietly, eyes darting around as she thought about it. Ashton couldn’t read an ounce of how she was feeling, but she didn’t seem upset. “God I just assumed you were straight, I’m the worst,” she said in awe.

Ashton raised his eyebrows. “No, I just never told you.”

“That’s why Michael was being all weird about you getting it.” She paused. “But Luke. You said you toured with him?”

“I did. When you were a baby. So you’ve actually met him before.” He’d hidden all the photos from that tour away as soon as he got back home, but they had to be in a corner somewhere.

“That’s wild oh my god I wish I could remember that. What’s he like?”

“Do you want to meet him officially?” he asked cautiously. “He’s gonna be playing a show here in February, and—”

“Yes? Obviously?” She was looking at him with wide, excited eyes. “Does that mean you liked him back then?”

His heart rate picked up exponentially. “A little.”

“But you didn’t date because of mom?”

“Yeah.”

She hummed thoughtfully and then moved to give him a hug the way he’d done for her, cheek to his chest. “Love you.” He suddenly didn’t know why he’d been dreading this so much. “Can we go find the castle in Central Park tomorrow?”

Luke’s schedule started to pick up as the album release got closer. Single, single, album, tour. One quick stop in NYC for a morning radio interview, and Calum had told him he would have absolutely no time to see Ashton. Instead, Ashton managed to have a little jar of sunflowers sent to the radio station with his name on them. The radio host commented on the flowers, and Luke, bright smile on his otherwise sleep-deprived face, said, “Thanks, I have the best boyfriend.” And that was that.

A: Didn’t know you were gonna make us official live on the radio lol

A: And before you ask, no I don’t mind and yes it was cute

L: Haha sorry not part of the plan but Calum said not to worry about it

A: I’m not worried ❤

Release week rolled around, and Calum asked him if he’d like to do anything to celebrate. Luke was sure Calum knew the answer before even asking, because he said he’d invited Ashton and Michael to fly out already. No big parties, no unnecessary people, and, as he reminded himself, no poor excuses for getting Ashton to see him again.

The label said there were CDs he absolutely had to sign that day, keeping him from picking up Ashton (and Michael) from the airport with Calum. That did mean that Ashton was waiting for him by the time he got back to his house, sitting in his living room laughing with Calum and Michael, making the whole place feel more like home than it ever did when he was alone. Ashton saw him and walked to meet him halfway in from the doorway, wrapping their arms around each other. Luke almost melted into Ashton’s embrace, the thought popping up – not for the first time – that after this tour, they had to move in together in one place or another.

Luke leaned back to give Ashton a kiss, and Calum and Michael started booing.

“Get a room!” Michael said, laughing.

“Think of the children!” Calum cried dramatically.

Ashton pulled back just far enough to laugh lightly against Luke’s mouth, “You can kick them out.” Luke couldn’t help but laugh too.

Calum pulled him aside after dinner. “Just to you know, you owe me big time for getting you and Ashton together. Or, back together.”

“You didn’t do anything,” Luke argued.

“Me and Michael both, then.”

“What did you do?”

“Talked you two knuckleheads into talking to each other, for one.”

Luke couldn’t debate that. “Okay fine.”

Calum smiled broadly. “I’m happy for you, mate. And once this album drops in a fifteen minutes, I’ll be proud of you too.”

Luke and Ashton were cuddled on the steps outside his back door. Calum and Michael had claimed the hammock stretched between a pair of trees farther out in the yard, under strings of fairy lights. “Just think,” Ashton said, leaning against Luke. The cool winter air was much less biting than it would have been anywhere else, so they were wrapped up together in a blanket instead of jackets. “If I was on the east coast, I would have had to wait until midnight to listen to the album.”

“It’s past midnight there now.”

“But I’m here now. With you.” Ashton smiled at him softly. Luke leaned in to kiss him, this time to no comments from the other two.

“I’m really glad you’re here,” Luke said, feeling the words with his whole heart. “Stay here tonight?”

“Wouldn’t want to be anywhere else,” Ashton said quietly.


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The end.

Luke had long since gotten used to touring without Ashton, but they talked almost as much as they had back then. He decided quickly that Ashton was right to not join the tour; the stress would have torn them apart and sent them right back where they started. The New York date was coming up fast and Luke wasn’t nervous, until he was. Ashton could only be so reassuring until he started absorbing some of Luke’s nerves. For as much as he tried to say he wasn’t worried, he definitely was, and Luke had no business adding to it.

Calum had managed to get him a day off before the NYC show, so he didn’t have to worry about making sure he was at the bus or the venue or anywhere else on time. And conveniently, neither did Calum.

“You suck for saying you can’t come with me.”

“Not my boyfriend, not my problem,” Calum said.

“Cal,” Luke whined. “It’s not like I haven’t already made a bad first impression.”

“Second impression,” Calum corrected. “I seem to remember her first impression of you was happy and smiley.”

“She won’t remember that. And besides, she has more teeth now.”

“What the fuck do her teeth have to do with it?”

Luke waved it away, not wanting to explain his conversation with Ashton from months ago. “Teenagers are vicious.”

“You don’t know what her second impression of you was, to be fair. Anyway, Michael tells me she’s a delight, so stop worrying about it so much.”

“What do I wear though?”

Luke was nervous to meet Kennedy, despite everyone’s reassurances. She picked a little Italian restaurant for them to meet up, and Luke had no idea what he was supposed to say once he got there. Calum kept telling him he’d figure it out. Ashton and Kennedy made it to the restaurant before Luke, but not by very long.

Ashton looked up to see Luke being shown to the table, feeling simultaneously more calm and more anxious when their eyes met. Luke suddenly didn’t know how to greet him in front of Kennedy. He felt like autopilot took over, giving Ashton a quick hug before sitting down. He tried to relax but he knew he was sitting awkwardly, deciding that sitting on his hands was better than wringing his hands together. Kennedy was eyeing Ashton impatiently. “Kennedy, this is Luke. Luke, Kennedy.”

“Nice to meet you again,” Luke said, holding out a hand for her to shake. Kennedy took it, grinning. “I guess I should also give you this now?” Luke pulled out a backstage laminate for tomorrow night’s show and passed it to her across the table.

Kennedy’s smile grew. She held it in her hands and looked at Ashton. “I like him.” Ashton laughed. “Thanks,” she said to Luke. “And thanks for the tickets to the other show last summer. I guess that was technically your manager, but he’s not here.”

“I’ll let him know.”

“I think Michael already did,” she said, looking sorry.

 _Of course he did._ Luke took a moment to really take note of their similarities, not least of all their eyes. Ashton interrupted his thoughts to ask if they knew what they wanted to order, giving Luke a small, private smile while Kennedy’s nose was buried in the menu.

Dinner went well, Ashton thought. He’d ask Luke about it when they got home, but Kennedy had boldly given him a hug goodbye, and she was leaning on Ashton’s shoulder now on the subway, mournfully complaining about how she shouldn’t have eaten so much because she felt like she was going to burst.

“Aside from that second dessert, what do you think of Luke?” Ashton asked.

“He’s nice,” she said, clearly thinking about it. “I don’t know, it’s weird because I feel like I already knew him from his music or whatever, even though I didn’t. But as a real person, he’s good. And you kept looking at him like you were in a movie, so that was cute and also gross.”

“Oh, okay, I’ll try to be less gross tomorrow,” he said sarcastically. Kennedy laughed.

L: Dinner was okay?

A: Was it terrifying?

L: No, you were right

L: Kennedy is sweet

A: She said we looked cute and gross when we looked at each other so that was her review of the evening

L: I can live with cute and gross

L: I’m the cute one right?

The show was a whirl of introductions and trying to stay out of people’s way. Ashton did miss the chaos of being backstage right before a show when he was home, but none of it compared to being backstage with Luke right before a show. Ashton managed to pull Luke into a supply closet while Michael had an eye on Kennedy. “Haven’t see you like this in a while,” Ashton said, hands on Luke’s face as he kissed him slowly under the dim ceiling bulb. “It feels like forever ago.”

“It was,” Luke murmured. Even in the terrible light, he looked perfectly unbelievable.

“I was thinking, I love flying six hours to see you, but should we try to find a place to live together?”

Luke smiled and leaned his forehead against Ashton’s. “I was going to ask you that after the tour.”

“Tour’s half over.”

“That’s true.”

“Which coast?”

“East, if you’ll have me? I couldn’t ask you to leave Kennedy.”

“I think I love you,” Ashton said, before he could second guess it. He knew it was true.

Luke responded by wrapping his arms tighter around Ashton’s back and kissing him more fiercely than before, only pausing to breathe against Ashton’s lips, “I love you too.”

Ashton was standing in the middle of the empty landing area on the second floor of the brownstone, Luke on facetime to see the place. He did a turn around the room and then over into one of the bedrooms. “What do you think?”

“It looks great!” Luke replied. “I really like the view from the front windows.”

“We’ll have a music room upstairs.”

“And a real guest room,” Luke said with a grin.

“You don’t think the floors are too… wooden?” Ashton finished. The wooden tiles took some getting used to, especially in the kitchen, but Luke had immediately said they could redo those if he wanted.

“There’s carpet in the bedrooms, and we’ll get rugs everywhere else. And the other two places were too clean, it’s like they were made for throwing dinner parties where the host cries if someone accidentally spills wine.”

“Are you speaking from experience?” Ashton joked, but he knew the type, big mansions in LA where most of the guests didn’t know anyone at the party but walked in dressed like social media royalty and no one questioned them, and inevitably someone would break something fragile and someone else would have a meltdown over it in the hopes of going viral. “This place does feel warmer than the others.”

“And it has flower boxes all along the fence in the yard.”

“You really like it? Should I say we’ll take it?” Michael’s head poked up from the stairs and Ashton waved him over.

“I think it’s perfect,” Luke said sincerely.

Michael walked up behind Ashton and wrapped his arms around his middle. Ashton made a face, confused, until Michael started to stick his tongue in Ashton’s ear. “Get off of me!” Ashton shoved Michael away, making both Michael and Luke laugh.

“Someone needs to fill Luke’s spot while he’s not here,” Michael said. Luke was too busy giggling to argue.

“Who said that was your job?” Ashton asked, wiping at his ear.

“You should go sign the lease before someone else snatches it up,” Luke said. “And I need to keep packing.”

Ashton blew him a kiss before hanging up. Michael was watching him with a fond smile. “What?”

“You two are cute.”

“Cuter than you and Calum?”

“Don’t push it. I’m glad you figured it out.”

“Are you waiting for me to thank you for getting us together? Because I won’t. And neither will Luke.”

“One of you will break eventually.”

Ashton shook his head. “What do you think of this place?”

“It’s nice and homey, very you. Of course you’ll probably fill the place with scented candles, which is a fire hazard in a building this old—”

“Shut up.”

“I like it, and it’s about time you got a proper guest room.”

“You realize that room is for Kenny and not for you, right?” In saying it out loud, Ashton realized he could picture the house in use, filled with furniture and art and pillows and other things he and Luke would collect together over time.

“We’ll see,” Michael said, as if he was being mysterious, as if he wouldn’t live in the music room every time he visited anyway.

“Thanks,” Ashton said.

“For?”

Ashton refused to back down and admit Michael was the whole reason he and Luke ever got over themselves enough to get together for real. He shrugged, and Michael smiled, getting it, as usual.

Ashton called Luke back fifteen minutes later.

“Did you do it?”

“The lease is signed. I can’t believe we’re actually doing this.”

“Believe it, half my bedroom is in boxes.”

“Can’t wait for you to get here, love.”

“Neither can I.” Ashton could hear the smile in Luke’s voice.


End file.
